After Kidlet Jr. was born, we decided we were finished having babies. We were happy with our two boys and since those pregnancies were so hard, we didn’t want to tempt fate again. We were complete. Only we weren’t. I always felt like someone who was invited to the party (so to speak) never showed up. I just chalked that up to the empty part of my heart and our family that was left when we lost our first son. But, I was correct in my assumption that someone had not shown up yet.
Mid-June of 2000 something was just off with me. I assumed it was just my body getting back into the normalcy of being clean and sober. (It had only been 3 months.) In my heart I thought I was pregnant. I knew it, but then again knew that it was next to impossible. After 6 at home pregnancy test and a blood test from the doctor (I really, really wanted to be sure), I accepted that I was in fact pregnant. (Ladies, sidenote: antibiotics combined with birth control pills are not always effective. Know that. Live that. Learn that.)
During my pregnancy, my perinatologist (high risk ob/gyn) saw me twice a week the entire pregnancy. We had more sonograms than should probably be allowed. It was not a good pregnancy. About halfway through, the genetic counselor told us that there was about a 1 in 84 chance that this baby would have neural tube defects or Downs. That same day, they told me it was a girl. It is possible to celebrate and cry at the same time. Joy and sorrow combined in one heart. In November, the baby stopped growing. They kept me on bedrest and we waited and watched. She went about 4 weeks without any growth. They told us with our history, that we should prepare for the worst and accept that we were probably going to lose her, too. My heart broke, but I did not give up hope. She was our unexpected blessing. Miraculously she started to develop and grow again the beginning of the year. Everything on the sonos appeared normal. Just small.
On April 2, 2001, they induced me. After just over 12 hours of labor (and about 4 hours with the blessed epidural), my beautiful baby girl was born…perfectly healthy.
My first question when she was born was not “Is she healthy?” or “Is everything okay with her?” or even “How does she look?” No. My first question was: “Is it still a girl?!” (I had 2 boys and they promised me a girl. I wanted to make sure that I got my girl and they were not lying to me.) With a laugh, the doctor assuured that she was in fact a girl and that she was perfectly healthy.
Today, my Little Diva turned 3 years old. I don’t think any of us knew how much she would touch and bless our lives. She has been a source of laughter and smiles and sheer joy. She brought my husband and I closer than ever after a very bumpy patch. She showed her big brothers how wonderful her unconditional love can be. She has blessed us in more ways than I could ever say. She was born just 5 days shy of the birthday of our first son that we lost. In a way, we felt we came full circle. She was our Spring after our darkest winter. She was and is and will always be our miracle.
Happy birthday, my angel girl. You are our surprise blessing and we love you so very much!
3 Years Ago Today
—–