Preparation H

Preparation H

A few weeks ago Jenn mentioned Preparation H is not only good for shrinking hemorrhoidal tissues, it’s also great for shrinking the bags under one’s eyes.

I’ve always thought I had bags under my eyes, but I didn’t think they looked that bad. I thought I was hiding them fairly well. But then I bought a digital camera, and suddenly there were a lot of pictures of me. Some of them taken by me, trying to analyze exactly how bad the bags had gotten.

362 pictures later, it’s not just my imagination. I have horrible bags under my eyes and they require shrinking.

Once I realized the horror of the bags under my eyes (thanks to my obsessive and disturbing digital photography) I decided to take Jenn’s advice and put Anal Ointment on my face.

(Forgive me God, for the Google traffic I just brought unto Jenn.)

First I had to buy the Anal Ointment and since I was in a hurry, I had to buy this product at the grocery story. With the rest of my groceries. With my children.

On my shopping list were several items unrelated to the Anal Ointment, well unrelated until they were in the cart all together.

Bananas, cucumbers, hot dogs, italian sausage…and then just about every single phallic item available at the grocery store.

Imagine my horror when I got to the checkout and began putting my items on the conveyer belt for God and everyone to see.

Cereal. Milk. Italian Sausage. PREPARATION H. Cucumbers. Bananas. Hot Dogs.

I started to panic and my eyes frantically scanned the other customers and my cashier, wondering if they could see what I was about to buy for the bags under my eyes. I hid the Anal Ointment underneath my cereal box hoping no one would see the glowing yellow box.

Then I blushed my way through the transaction, and when the bagger innocently asked, ‘Paper or plastic?’

I thought he said, “What’s with the ointment?” and I kind of lost it.

“Look it’s for my eyes, okay? God!”

He looked stunned and mildly alarmed and gave me plastic bags.

Then the cashier asked if I had any coupons and I thought he said something else, and I kind of lost it.

“God, what is everyone’s problem? Haven’t you ever seen a mom out with her children buying phallic groceries and healing anal ointment? IT’S FOR THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES!! Don’t you see them? I can’t live with these! Jenn said it worked!”

Then I nervously laughed.

The cashier said, “Sure, lady. So, no coupons then?”

Then he asked me if I was making time for Anal Love.

Of course I said, “I have no idea what you are talking about Sir. Yes, I am buying phallic groceries and also Anal Ointment but they are unrelated. I assure you I have no hemorrhoids….as if it’s any of your business anyway. If you must know, since you’ve so rudely pried into my business, the ointment is for the bags under my eyes.

He said, “Right, are you using credit or debit?” (then he rolled his eyes.)

I’ve been applying Anal Ointment to the bags under my eyes for 5 days now, I endured the shopping trip to get it, not to mention the hysterical laughter and confused stares of my husband as I apply this product to my face and quite honestly I am beginning to worry it was all just a joke. A cruel joke. An offhanded remark not meant for actual follow through.

When Jenn returns I’m hoping I’ll be able to bounce quarters off my treated eyes. If they look the same, this is going to be a rather awkward welcome home.

Certainly, not as awkward as the shopping trip. But still. 

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