This morning I sat in front of this computer for way too long trying to come up with something witty and fun for you to read. The fact is, I don’t have it in me right now. Let me explain.
Remember a few months ago when I was so sad thinking we had to move? Remember how I was so confused about it? Well, time and acceptance and trying to find the good in it for everyone else was the only way I knew how to deal with it.
Without even being aware that it was happening, I began to become excited about moving. Truly excited. Fresh start! Newness everywhere! I was finally (after more than 11 years being just a stay at home mom) I was going back to college to finally finish my degree! Scary as it was, it was finally my turn and I was becoming more excited by the day. I made plans and called friends back in College Station. I started to look at houses (and fell in love with a couple of them.) I said goodbye to friends and started to pack. In my heart, I had left. There is nothing holding me here except the house needing to sell. I no longer feel like this is home. I want to leave. I want to move…badly.
So, tell me, if you’ve read my blog long enough and know all about my Life with Murphy’s Law and the fun that Murphy likes to have at my expense, what do you think has happened?
If you said, “too bad, so sad you have to stay”, then you are right! (But you must say it in that sing song way that little kids taunt other kids with just to twist that knife as it goes in.)
A few months ago, I would be thrilled. I mean, we got what we thought we wanted for 2 years…a job and the ability to stay. But here I sit, so sad, depressed, angry and withdrawn. My gut is screaming that this is not the right choice. There is absolutely no part of me that is happy with this or comfortable with this. (Wait, I take that back. I am happy for him that he has a job. I know that it helps him feel better. I am glad that he has validation now. So, for him I am happy.)
So anyway, to make a long story longer, I am sitting here in a total depression with barely the will to get out of bed. I start crying whenever I think about things. So pretty much I am worthless at the moment, especially if you are coming here for humor.
If I am not around for a while, you will know why. Right now, I just don’t care about much of anything and surely don’t want to dump all of this depression on you good folks. That certainly isn’t fair or right. Anyway, the emails were nice wondering if I am okay and what was going on. Now you know what’s going on. Bummer, huh!