Okay, people, let’s have ourselves a little back to school quiz. Come on, even you people who do not have children or whose children are too old for you to think about the back-to-school craze can play. Ready? Okay. It will be multiple choice. There may be more than one answer that is applicable. Choose the one that you feel applies the most. Pencils up!
Go!
1. You know school has started again when:
a. All of the stores are having Back To School sales on clothes
b. You suddenly couldn’t buy a number two pencil in town to save your life
c. The stores are void of anyone under the age of 18 during the day
d. The children are being pimped out by the schools to hock their wares to make the school a nifty little profit.
2. Your doorbell is suddenly ringing more and you have people at your door constantly. This is because:
a. You have suddenly become the most popular person in town due to your amazing wit
b. Rumor has it that Ed McMahon will be visiting you with your million dollar check.
c. The Jehovah’s Witnesses are recruiting again
d. The children are being pimped out by the schools to hock their wares to make the school a nifty little profit.
3. When driving around town, you notice a change. That change is:
a. Soccer moms in SUVs are racing around like Mario Andretti trying to get their kidlets to school or soccer on time.
b. The malls are now filled with Moms with Strollers and not goth teens.
c. You don’t have to play “Dodge the Child on the Bike” when driving through neighborhoods anymore
d. You see children going door to door because they are being pimped out by the schools to hock their wares to make the school a nifty little profit.
4. Your phone is ringing a lot more than normal. This is because:
a. The PTA is recruiting again and you forgot to change your phone number.
b. Your kids’ friends are just calling to say something ultra cool like, “ ‘Sup?” to each other.
c. Your credit card company wants to thank you for single handedly helping them reach their quarterly goals.
d. Some kids are too lazy to go door-to-door when they are being pimped out by the schools to hock their wares to make the schools a nifty little profit.
SCORING:
For every question that you answered anything other than D, add 2 points. (And know that you have my understanding and sympathy.) For every question that you answered D, subtract massive amounts of money from your wallet and checking account. (And know that you have my understanding and sympathy.)
Did you guess that perhaps now that school has started, so has the fundraising? Normally, I just say no and blow it off or just buy something to appease the children. (They always have prizes for those who sell the most, whether it is an individual or a class. The student who sells nothing is usually the one that meets with great scorn and ridicule by the other kids. So, I usually try not to send them back with nothing at all sold.) However, we have reached the pinnacle of fund raising: The 5th grade fundraising project that they’ve all known about since kindergarten.
You see, the 5th graders get to go to camp. All of them. During school. For a week. Out of state. The catch? They have to earn the money for the camp fees. Camp costs $210. So, they sell cookie dough. Cookie Dough. In this day and age of Atkins and Weight Watchers and healthy eating, they are hocking cookie dough. (Darn right I plan on stocking up. Why?) There is no way that I can look my little guy in the eye and tell him that I won’t let him sell what he needs to in order to go to camp with everyone else. Therefore, I do what any good mother would do. I join the cause and pimp out my child to hock wares for the school so that he can go to camp with the other kids. Who wants to bet that come next month, I will have about 50 pounds of cookie dough sitting in my freezer because I had to buy that much to push him over the top to meet his quota? It’s what we parents do.
But seriously, the first person who asks me if I am going to participate in the big Wrapping Paper Fundraiser in a couple of months will be beaten over the head repeatedly with one of those economy rolls of Santa and his Merry Elves wrapping paper.
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