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Month: September 2004

Barbie! I am shocked!

Barbie! I am shocked!

I have mentioned before that I am not a big fan of Barbie.  Not because I have any moral or ethical objections to her completely disproportionate figure or her amazingly vacant stare, but because frankly, she bores me.  There.  I admit it. I don’t like playing with Barbies.  As a little girl, I loved G.I. Joe.  He came with the cooler accessories like a walkie-talkie and a Jeep.  Not to mention that way cool sandpaper beard he had going and his Kung-Fu grip.  I could come up with some pretty inventive scenarios for G.I. Joe and his Jeep wheelin’, scratchy bearded self.  Barbie?  She did nothing but teeter around on her tippy toes looking vapid and like the only person in a group who didn’t get the joke.  She had clothes that I thought were pretty ridiculous.  Sometimes, just to see if it would make her cooler, I would put her in G.I Joe’s clothes, but it never worked.  Her too big boobs would prevent the cool flack jacket from closing.  Even cammo couldn’t make Barbie cool.

However -you just knew there would be a catch, didn’t you?- Gabriella loves everything Barbie!  We have Barbie toys, Barbie lunchbox, Barbie underwear and yes, even Barbie herself.  In fact, she has acquired a Barbie collection in her short little 3 years on this Earth that just may rival anything my sister, myself or any of my childhood friends had combined.  Thanks to doting grandparents, an aunt with 2 boys- who loves to buy for this girl, friends and even a temporarily insane mother, she does not lack in the Barbie department.

Which is great news for her.  For me, it means hours of hearing “Let’s play Barbies, Mommy.  Pleeeease, Mommy!” (For the record I do play with her even though I really am not good at playing with Barbies.  Our conversations usually are along the stimulating lines of “Hi.  How are you today?  I am fine.  Would you like to go to my Barbie castle?  Okay.  Good.” Usually, “Barbie’s Mom” calls and Barbie has to go home to babysit or cook or discover a cure for the common cold.  Anything to keep her from staying in my living room.  (I have to wonder why she ever comes back for more.)

Gabriella’s newest “game” with Barbie is Let’s Strip Off Barbie’s Clothes and Lose Them.  Last night I went to tuck her into bed and I swear her room looked like a brothel.  There were naked Barbies lounging around everywhere.  Some had just their tops on, some just their bottoms and many had nothing on but a smile.  (Of course, her Malibu Ken Doll was fully clothed.  I think he just may be filming Barbie porn in my daughter’s room. ) Now, I know it is natural for little kids to take the clothes off of dolls and such.  I am not stressing that.  I am not so prude that a nude Barbie is going to send me into a fit of hysteria.

What I am saying is that it can be a rather shocking experience first thing in the morning to walk into your bathroom and be greeted immediately by Spread Eagle Naked Barbie on your counter.

I’m just saying.

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I would never shout shut up to them (where they can hear me)

I would never shout shut up to them (where they can hear me)

So, seriously, has anyone’s head actually exploded from too much whining by children?  Seriously.  I am just wondering if I should call Ripley or the Guiness Book of World Records to record the moment for all of eternity because I swear by all that is not making me insane THESE KIDS ARE GOING TO MAKE MY HEAD EXPLODE!  3-2-1 KABLOOM!

I have a tolerance level when it comes to the kids.  I can handle way more than the average NOT INSANE person; however, today, they are determined to watch my head spin around in circles while I start chanting something that could only come from the Unholy Book of Mother Spells to Make Her Children Shut Up!  In fact, I am pretty sure I just grounded the mailman for ringing my doorbell too loudly.  (Not my fault.  I thought it was the bell indicated the end of round 12 between me and my children. Imagine my dismay to learn it was just the MAILMAN and not a Knight in Shining Armor coming to- no, not take me- but to sedate my children.)

To top of this Big Day of Fun, I not only get to go to a soccer practice and sweat buckets of perspiration, I also get to then follow it up with a soccer game for my other son immediately following.  Oh the joys!  Normally, I would not blink an eye at back to back soccer.  It is what we do.  But on a day where I resort to hiding in the closet for just a moment of peace, I don’t think going to a place where there are nothing but loud, unruly children is the best medicine. 

Oh, and dinner?  I’m not really sure when that will occur seeing as they are not to eat before a practice or a game.  That leaves about 4.3 minutes to feed a family of five.  I am guessing that I won’t get that accomplished.  Is it wrong to feed them cereal for dinner “whenever” they can get the time?  If so, keep it to yourself.  If not, remind me over and over that they won’t be scarred for life for having Fruit Loops for dinner while mommy sucks down her Xanax shake while hiding in the closet.  (Actually, I am just kidding about that.  We are all out of Fruit Loops!)

Is it time for bed yet? For the love of all that is calm, quiet and not fighting with it’s brother, can someone please share the secret to living a calm life with THREE VERY LOUD CHILDREN??

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I can’t believe she actually did it!

I can’t believe she actually did it!

Well, she did it.  She moved.  She wasn’t supposed to move until this coming weekend, but decided that it was just time to go.  So Thursday afternoon I watched her load up her stuff into her U-haul and prepare to abandon me.  (I wasn’t “just watching” her because I was being mean and refusing to help.  I was keeping her son here at my house so that she wouldn’t have to chase him up and down the street when he escaped through the open door.) I tried to hold her son hostage in order to make her stay.  It did not work.  Not at all.  Then I tried to tell her that I was just going to refuse to say goodbye and then just lay in front of her truck and not let her go.  She just gave me a look that said that it wouldn’t work and to stop trying.  In the end, I just hugged her as tight as I could, said goodbye and watched her leave.  Sounds mature, doesn’t it.  Don’t let it fool you.  I was a whiny baby the rest of the day and went to bed early to pout. 

I think it all hit me this morning when I opened my front door and she wasn’t outside to wave good morning to like we did every morning before school.  The thing that makes me smile, though, is that I know she is happy now.  I know that she did exactly what she needed to do to take charge of her life and find the peace and happiness that she deserves so much.  Besides, I know her email address and phone number so it isn’t like she was able to get rid of me.  Oh no, I can become quite the stalker when I want to.

But it still leaves me without my coffee neighbor.  And I just brewed a fresh pot.  Anyone want to come over for a hot cup of coffee and a plate full of PTA gossip?  Both are guaranteed to make you smile.

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Mr. Living Under a Rock, this is for you.

Mr. Living Under a Rock, this is for you.

image

If by some miracle you have not yet gotten a gmail invite and would like one, I have about a dozen I can give away.  Let me know.  Either email me your first and last name or leave a comment.  Please use an address other than hotmail or yahoo as both of those services tend to block Gmail invites.

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Ivan..go away!

Ivan..go away!

Okay, I admit it…I am not the most diligent when it comes to watching the news.  In fact, I have missed it all day today and yesterday.  (Hey, don’t judge me. I read blogs.  We all know that is where the real news comes from!) So anyway, I get this email saying:

..TROPICAL STORM IVAN FORMS IN THE GULF OF MEXICO…

…TROPICAL STORM WARNING HAS BEEN ISSUED FOR THE UPPER TEXAS

COAST FROM NORTH OF SARGENT TO HIGH ISLAND…

…AREAS AFFECTED…

THIS STATEMENT RECOMMENDS SPECIFIC ACTIONS TO BE TAKE BY RESIDENTS

OF LIBERTY…CHAMBERS…HARRIS…GALVESTON…AND BRAZORIA COUNTIES OF

TEXAS.

Excuse me?  Ivan?! Didn’t that disaster already wreck enough lives?  And he is back for more?  I am thinking this may change my plans to drive to Houston Friday morning.  (Or not.  I love a good hurricane party.  Everyone who grows up along the coast like a good hurricane party.) But not the kind that Ivan throws.  Although, they are saying this is Ivan Lite, though.

Update:  Here is a link to an article on Ivan and the freakiness that is Jeanne.  Is this a signal that the end of the world is upon us?  Or is Mother Nature just really pissed that she gave us a milder than normal summer?

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Reality Dreaming

Reality Dreaming

There has been way too much reality tv in my house lately.  I had the most bizarre dream about it.  (Yes, I know that I have bizarre dreams all the time, but this one was entertainingly bizarre.)

So, I am in a locked down house (as in Big Brother 5), but it was a couples game.  Everyone in there was with their significant other.  Well, who do you think is locked in the house with us?  Colin and Christie from The Amazing Race 5.  (There is no way I could’ve despised that man more.  Can we say emotionally abusive to his girlfriend?) Well, not one to hold back my opinion, I went all Carolyn** (from The Apprentice) on him and getting in his face often. (Because in the dream she was actually the person that was training me on how to “get my bitch on” when it came to the other houseguests.) All the while I am thinking this is perfectly normal until I find out that the “Big Brother” in question is actually Mark Cuban of The Benefactor.  That just really made me mad!  Who did he think he was?  But once I found out that the winnings were raised to a million dollars rather than $500,000, I calmed down.

And the twist that all Reality Shows love to throw into the mix?  When you get evicted from the house, you don’t get to go to a nice tropical paradise to await the end of the series.  No.  They ship your ass off to a Survivor island with Mr. Jeff Probst himself.

It was all seriously twisted.

I think I am going to go ahead and watch some good old fashion smut tv (aka Lifetime for Losers) to get this reality insanity out of my head.  Better yet, I could just unplug the tv and get on with life.

Yeah, with 3 kids that made me laugh, too.  At least I know I have the Disney Channel to disturb my dreams.

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