A word of advice (or something like that)

A word of advice (or something like that)

First, I don’t even know how to thank you all for your support.  I am overwhelmed and amazed by the outpouring of support and love from you all.  The comments and emails made such an impact on my heart.  Thank you so very much.  You all are the greatest EVER. 

For those of you who emailed me worried about my lack of posts since my admission of being in a dark place, thank you.  I am doing better.  However, things in my life conspired to keep me offline.  So, rather than a boring old entry that details it, I will give you the following:

Top Ten Things to Avoid After You Lose Your Mind (or think you have)

1) Timing your breakdown at the same time as the one your computer has scheduled.  That’s right.  My computer in a show of solidarity and support, decided to have a nervous breakdown as well.  Try as I might to shove those little Xanax into the disk drive, she just wouldn’t give me anything other than a dark screen.  At last, Clint was able to coax her back into the real world.  I am not sure how long she will stay with us, but for now, she is trying.  I’m considering therapy for her.

2) Do not time your breakdown the weekend before you have to drop off your first born son for a WEEK away at camp.  It can kind of mess with your head to have your CHILD gone for so long.  (Longer than he has ever been away from me, thankyouverymuch.) Let’s just say my anxiety level was enough that I insisted on meeting the bus driver personally before letting him go.  (Don’t worry. Brandon had no idea that I did that.) I assume I will stop going into his room to check on him at night –habit, not craziness–about the time he is snuggled back home where he belongs.

3) Do not submit really personal essays for critique when the strongest level of criticism you can handle is “Are you sure you want plastic over paper” at the grocery store.  (Don’t judge me!  I need to handles on the plastic bags!)

4) Don’t call me on my day off and tell me my kid isn’t feeling well.  Is a limb severed?  Is his spleen hanging out of his nose?  Do you UNDERSTAND how important my days off are to me?  Fine!  Fine!  I’ll come get him.  But you owe me, Miss Substitute Nurse!

5) Don’t run out of gas. Without any money on you.  In a parking lot.  With your child.  Just trust me on this one.

6) It is possible–alas probable– that your husband doesn’t really want you to describe your ENTIRE day to him in excruciating detail just as he is turning off the light to go to sleep.  Especially when the biggest and most exciting event of the day was that your 3 year old pooped in the potty without being told that it is time to poop in the potty.  He will NOT exhibit the same excitement that you did.  (But remember, he isn’t on happy pills like you are.  He can’t help it.)

7) Try to avoid scheduling your nervous breakdown around the same time as a FINAL exam for a course you are taking.  A good article for submission to a major publication (required for your final) does not include the phrases “idiot fucktard”, “commie bitch” or “incredible amounts of flatulance-induced fumes.” Again.  Just trust me there.

8) Telling a police officer that you are aware that your tags are expired and that you are oh so sorry, but that you just can’t muster up the ability to squirt a tear over it because of these wonderful happy pills that you are taking are MIRACLE workers.  They rarely understand the use of happy pills.

9) When napping, just turn off your phone.  I mean, really, is there anything that is SO important that I have to wake up to talk to you.  (Yes, I realize that my son wasn’t feeling good.  Remember that whole spleen question?  Ask yourself that next time.)

10) Finally, don’t wake up your husband–who has been blissfully sleeping for at least an hour– just to tell him how hilarious you think it is that they put a warning label on your sleeping pills that says “Warning:  May Cause Drowsiness.” He really won’t think it is as hilarious as you do.  I promise.  (But you can call me.  I still think it is!)

So there you have it.  Just a few things that I have learned this week (while being offline and unable to communicate them to you).  I hope I have spread the knowledge and the joy.  (But no, I won’t share my Happy Pills.)


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