The problem with insomnia is that suddenly your rules for proper behavior are hurled out the window only to be replaced with rules of behavior that somewhat resemble a sociopathic wack job’s etiquette. (For this entry, new moms with babies who don’t sleep, refuse to sleep and you wonder if they will ever sleep ever in their whole entire life, feel free to interchange the word insomnia with “can’t sleep because this damn baby refuses to sleep and I think I just might be going crazy.” It applies as well.)
Normal people don’t go into a Starbucks and become frantic to find the MOST caffeinated drink on the menu…and then beg for it to be “a double shot…no a triple…no, just hand over the coffee beans and I will chew them.” When you have Insomnia Insanity, you suddenly believe that the barista actually gives a damn about hearing how tired you are. That look on her face when you go on and on about how much you long to sleep, that you long for it more than the best sex you’ve ever had while eating chocolate in the Caribbean after you just won a $10 million lottery is not sympathy but rather shock and a slight bit of fear. And for the record, it is not really socially acceptable to tell the person who actually sneaks in that double shot of espresso that you love him and will name your first born after him. They usually don’t know how to respond to that.
It’s just that I am SO DAMN TIRED that I have actually lost my everlovin’ mind. I have lost track, but I think that I have gone about 10 thousand nights without sleep. Clint says it is more like a week. At least I think that is what he said. It was hard to understand him seeing as I was smothering him with a pillow for having the audacity to actually try to sleep. At night. All night. Frankly, I found that rather rude.
Oh, and another tip for you. Pharmacists don’t think it is funny when you are there to pick up your son’s asthma medicine to say things like, “You don’t happen to have any extra Ambien back there that you would like to part with, do you?” Especially if your eyes are all glazed over and blood shot from LACK OF SLEEP. No. They don’t find that kind of thing very humorous.
Finally, try not to make rude exasperating comments about that noise that is so freaking irritating and WHY DOESN’T THAT IDIOT JUST ANSWER THEIR CELL PHONE for crying out loud when in fact it is your cell phone in your own pocket. Because really, there are few things more difficult than talking your way out of that one. I’m just saying.
Now, I have things to do and coffee to tank in order to function. I am expected to function today as a responsible member of society… or something like that. In fact, I have a deadline coming up soon. I have to actually write something that would make sense to someone who has slept within the last 24 hours. I have no idea how I am going to do that seeing as my brain fuction is currently that of a retarted dung beetle.
So for the love of the sleep gods, if I don’t get some sleep soon, I cannot and will not be help accountable for my actions. Do you hear that MR. ANNOYING NEIGHBOR with the dog that never stops barking especially when you ARE ALWAYS mowing your lawn when I am trying to sneak in a nap?!