An open letter to all employers of all of our current credit union members from theCredit Union Management regarding holiday closings:
We, your employee’s Credit Union, understand that in light of the holidays, many employers are issuing paychecks on Thursday rather than on Friday to prevent any monetary mishaps that a holiday closing may cause their valued employee. We realize that the majority of banks are only closed on Friday in observance of said holidays. We, however, strive to be different. To stand out from the crowd. So, in order to completely screw over our valued customers, we are going to also close on Thursday.
But wait! There is more!
Because in our effort to become the Biggest Asshole Bankers in the Northern Hemisphere, we have also decided to refuse any wire transfers from Thursday the 23rd through Sunday the 26th. Yes, this includes automatic deposits, preset payments and account to account transfers. We will not allow our customers the luxury of online banking in the 21st century on these datesas well because, well, that would be awful human of us and we would therefore lose our status in the running for Biggest Asshole Bankers in the Northern Hemisphere.
Rest assured that we will in fact be open for business on Monday the 27th to ensure that our valued customers have the post holiday benefit of late fees, bounced checks and overdrawn accounts. All before noon!
So, in an effort to help us screw over your employee, we ask that you maintain your policy of giving out checks on Thursday. We feel this policy will not only help you to appear like a generous employer, but will still follow our master plan of screwing over our clients.
Thank you for your help in this matter.
Your Employee’s Credit Union
ps- We have heard that there is an effort to thwart our plan by issuing checks even earlier (as in on Wednesday). Whereas we understand your employee will find this most helpful, we want you to understand that we will in all likelihood close our teller window as soon as we see your employee walk up. We cannot have understanding companies trying to undermine the seriousness of our effort to become the BIggest Asshole Bankers in the Northern Hemisphere. We hope you understand.
(DISCLAIMER NOTE: Our current credit union is in no way affiliated with Clint’s current employer. It is from a former employer 17 years ago. Repeat: This is NOT a credit union associated with Clint’s CURRENT employer. We really do HEART Clint’s current employer. We really do! Even when his co-workers call me mental. Hoping that is clear here.)