Hi! I don’t do small talk. You’ll probably hate me. Nice meeting you.

Hi! I don’t do small talk. You’ll probably hate me. Nice meeting you.

Today was Gabriella’s first school field trip. Because of their age and the seat belt laws, the parent(s) need to drive their children.  So, of course, I was there.  I wanted to be there.  This is the first child that I can do this with and not have to worry about setting up childcare for a little one or find out if siblings can go.  Freedom!

But I came to a conclusion.  I think I must be a social bitch.

At one point, I am standing there alone holding Gabrie and just sort of watching all of the other moms in their little groups talking and laughing and completely enjoying being together.  I have never felt like a bigger loser (as an adult) in my life.

Drop me down in a group of people I don’t know and I have no problems chatting anyone up.  I can join them and have no feelings of panic.  Put me in front of a huge audience to give a speech or whatever, no nerves at all.  However, if you put me in a group of women that I have been trying to get to know or “fit in with” and I go all Forrest Gump on them and say intelligent Gumpisms like “I have to peee.” I truly become socially retarded and an outcast.

Why? I mean, really…why?  I must give off a bitch vibe in a big way.  I just must reek of loserdom after you get to know me.  And yes, it is usually with women.  Once we get past the initial getting to know you talks at the beginning of a relationship, I become tongue tied and completely incapable of small talk.  I don’t do small talk well.  It feel so damn phony.  So, I guess that makes me seem bitchy.

Sometimes I blame it on where I live.  That makes it so much easier than blaming it on myself.  At least out loud it is easier.  I always internally blame myself.  But seriously, I am NOT cut out to live where I do.  Have you seen the new show on TLC named Sheer Dallas? It could SO be filmed within a stones throw from where I live.  They are filming in Dallas itself, but they will probably move a bit north and get some damn good footage here in Plano, too. 

Please don’t misunderstand me.  Not all women who live here are this way.  I mean, I have met amazing women here.  But truthfully, I can count on one hand the number of women I feel I can be myself around.  The real me.  How pathetic is that?  Do you know how much I HATE crying because I feel like such an outsider in my own hometown?  Let me tell you, I would rather give up coffee and chocolate than cry over something like this. 

I know there are books for men about “Understanding Women.” Are there any books for women on understanding other women?  I could SO use one.  Maybe that can be my next book.  “How To Not Be Loser:  Or At Least Learn How To Fake It Better.” I should totally call my agent and pitch that one.

The bottom line and most important thing is Gabriella had a great time today.  I am so glad she did.  (I will post pictures if I can find any WITHOUT other kids in them.  I am not too proud to learn lessons from my friends when it comes to internet picture postings and upset moms.) But honestly, I am glad I did not drive my own car.  I was just that tempted to leave because I felt so awkward.  There are times I see Gabriella get shy in situations like that and it breaks my heart.  Oh, please, don’t let her ever feel the “loser outsider” feeling that I felt today.  I encouraged her to hang out with her friends.  And I tried to get rid of my bitch vibe.  I was successful in getting her to leave my side and have fun with her friends.  As for losing the bitch vibe, I have no idea.

[Editor’s note:  See!  Out of 44,000 results, I was number 10 in a Google search for “anti-social bitch.” That does it!]


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