I have a confession to make. Even though I am in my mid-thirties and even though I grew up in the age of Star Wars and even though I can make Star Wars references and quote the most famous lines (Luke, I am your father. May the force be with you. I feel a great disturbance in the force.), until a couple of weeks ago I had never seen a Star Wars movie. Ever. At least not completely. I would have to live under a rock to not see at least a moment or two or ten thousand in my lifetime.
At the very tender age of young, I planned to go to Star Wars with my friends. It would be a big deal to go with just my friends. There we were at the movie theater ready to see it. We were early, but opened the door to the theater anyway. “What did you see?” you might ask yourself. I’ll tell you. I saw STORM TROOPERS.
HUGE GUYS WITH BIG GUNS. RUNNING. SHOOTING. AT ME!
Let me just say, it scared the ever loving bejeezus out of me. We chose (or rather I insisted) that we see a different movie. ANYTHING but the STORM TROOPERS. That night and many, many, many nights following, I had nightmares about those damn Storm Troopers. Never, ever about Darth Vader. He didn’t scare me in the least. I mean, come on! With James Earl Jones doing the voice? Who could be scared of him? I mean, we all know people watch CNN for a reason. It is the amazing “This is CNN” voiced by Mr. Vader.
I would love to tell you that as I aged, I grew out of it. Nuh-uh. Nope. In fact, just a couple of months ago Brandon and Clint were watching Star Wars on TV when I walked by and saw STORM TROOPERS! I raced off to do laundry or something, anything, in a different part of the house. You know what? I had a nightmare that night. No kidding.
My kids know this about me. They roll their eyes and accept it. But barely. They prefer I not tell anyone this horrific factoid, but I still do. I was telling a friend of Zarek’s that I had never seen the movies. He was extremely appalled at me.
I explained, “You see, I saw the first one and it scared me, so I just don’t watch them.”
“You mean Episode I or Episode IV?” he asked.
“Uhhh, the first one. The one that came out in the 70’s.”
“That is Episode IV, actually, not the first one. Episode I is really the first in the series, but Episode IV was released first.” He saw that my eyes were glazing over.
“So, the first one is the fourth one and the fourth one is the first one so the numbers tell you the order of the story, but not the order in which it came out. Right? So, do you watch it from I-VI or do you watch it IV-VI and then I-III? What is the proper Star Wars etiquette here?” I questioned.
He just looked at me as if I sprouted another head, then ran off to find Zarek. (I never got my answer, by the way.)
BUT (you knew there would be a ‘but’, right?) I now have two boys who are very into the whole Star Wars thing. They love it. We own all of the movies that are out on DVD. Now, since Episode III (*which is really VI, but we are all pretending to be ignorant of this) came out in theaters, the guys in my family decided a Star Wars marathon was in order.
I decided to give it a try. I can do this. I can watch Star Wars. I am, after all, an adult. I have seen worse in my lifetime than a STORM TROOPER! I mean, they miss their shots the majority of the time anyway.
So we watched. We started with the original (you figure out the number). I watched through my fingers when the STORM TROOPERS came on. My stomach knotted. My butt clenched. My hands sweat. They still had that effect of me. BUT I WATCHED THE ENTIRE THING. In fact, I have seen every episode except the one in theaters now. (Please tell me you are proud. It was not easy!) I even have plans to see that one in a real live theater. (Even though I hear it is more violent.) I just might even get myself a nifty little light-saber. I am so going to be tre’chic in my Princess Leia gold bikini next summer!
*I am seriously considering bitch-slapping George Lucas if he EVER decides to go ahead and make movies out of the last 3 chapters of the Star Wars story. I mean it. This man has done far more mental damage to me than is called for.