Holding my mother’s hand

Holding my mother’s hand

This is going to be brief, but I wanted to let you know that blogging will be light for the next few days.  My Dad called me back to Houston to be with my Mom.  She is back in ICU in critical condition.  Basically, she is just so weak that she is having a hard time healing.  Right now, her she has had congestive heart failure.  Her kidneys are not producing like they should.  She has in infection that they cannot find, but it is causing a fever and her blood count to be off.  She has some congestion in her chest partly from being on a ventilator for so long.  And she had high acidity in her blood, so they were giving her transfusions.

Sounds like I almost know what I am talking about.  I don’t.  We have heard for a month that “Oh, things are looking up.  She is looking better.” Every doctor has said the same little thing.  Finally, it took one doctor to sit down and and really give us a big picture of how she is doing.  Sure, some numbers look “better” on some days, but are still not good at all. She is still very critical.  If she had one of her systems with problems, it would be tough.  Having so many of her systems with so many problems, it is making it a tough recovery.  The doctors are peddaling as fast as they can to get her stable.  They have been trying to wean her off of her ventilator, but she is not doing well with that.  It is just so hard for her right now to fight so many things that are making her so very sick.  And she is just so tired.  Thankfully, they have her rather sedated, so she doesn’t seem to be scared or suffering.  That is the most comfort in all of this.

As for me, as soon as I got the call to come, I went into “robot-mode.” You know the type.  Super organized.  Anal about details.  Making sure that everyone else is taken cared of and that there is a schedule so everyone knows where everyone else is.  You need to figure out the logistics on who goes to the hospital when?  Call me.  You need to figure out who sleeps where? I’m your gal.  Having a tough time coping and need a shoulder to cry on?  Come to me.  I am a rock.  And trust me.  This works right now.  But later, look out.  I am sure I am going to blow.  For now, just let me be the one that has the armor.  It works for me.  (I think.)

I only cried once and that was when I was holding her hand.  I am wearing a ring that used to be hers, but she gave it to me on my sweet 16th birthday.  I loved and conveted that ring as long as I could remember.  Looking down at my hand on hers, I swear my hand looked just like her hand from my youth.  The hand that soothed my brow when I was sick.  The hand that held mind when I was scared.  The hand that reassured me when life threw me a curve.  To see my hand looking so much like hers just broke something in me.  And I held her hand tighter, told her how much I loved her and hoped with all my heart I was able to be there for her like she has always been there for me.

I don’t know what is going to happen.  I don’t know where this is going.  I don’t know if I am here to encourage her to fight to get better or if I am here to say goodbye.  I just don’t know.  For now, I am just here to soothe her brow, hold her hand when she gets scared and reassure her through this horrible curve that life has thrown her way.


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