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Month: December 2005

I don’t know how to do this

I don’t know how to do this

I wanted to update you on what is going on and why I have not been blogging.  Yet, I really don’t want to update you.  Something about putting things in wrting makes it seem real.  I like things not seeming real.  I know there are several of you that are expecting to hear from me or should have heard from me by now due to deadlines, essays etc.  I apoligize if you have not personally heard from me yet.  I have little Internet access and even less time or abilty to string together many coherant thoughts. 

Mom is dying.

I have tried to put into words before before of how frightened I am about losing her.  I have no idea who I will be when she is gone.  I thought maybe things were getting better when I got that amazing phone call from her on Thanksgiving, but perhaps that was just a final gift to remember there are still and always will be things to be thankful for in the midst of grief.  No matter what my head says, my heart is not ready.

We thought we were losing her before.  We were even called to her bedside to say goodbye.  However, that doctor was wrong.  She did not speak to all of the other doctors about Mom’s condition.  I wish that were true here, but they are all in agreement that this is the end.  The end.  Do you know how hard it is to type that?

I completely, without question believe in an afterlife and heaven.  After so many years of having MS destroy her body, her mind and her personality, I know that she will soon be free of all of that.  She will laugh, walk and be at peace.  Finally.  For that I am thankful.  For me, the hell will go on.

Not everyone is blessed enough to get a chance to say goodbye.  I am glad I have been able to do so.  But this lingering?  This suffering before the end?  This time of waiting?  It is sheer hell.  You begin to questions things.  Have I told her what I need to tell her?  Have I given all of the love I know how to give?  I know I have taken all the love that she has to give and will do so until she is gone.  And I have learned that I can never outlove her, but I can come close.

Today Mom moves to hospice care.  Today we start the “death watch.” Two days ago we had to go and pick out her casket and her cemetary plot and all of those things that make you want to go crawl under your bed in the fetal postion and pretend they are not happening.  I have had to tell the children.  I have had to try to stay strong and frankly, I would much rather just tell Mom to scoot over in her bed so I can curl up beside her and cry.  I have never in my life wanted a hug from her more in my life.  But it is too late.  She is too far gone for that.  And I don’t know how to handle the feelings that are overwhelming me.  It is so hard for me as a writer to not be able to put into words the heartwrenching agony that is tearing me apart.  I should be able to.  I can’t.  I just convey the fear, the pain, the anxiety, the heavy, heavy heart that weighs down every fiber of my being. 

How do I do this?  How do I say goodbye?  How do I tell her that it is okay to go when I don’t want to say it?  Have I told her goodbye in a way that she knows it is goodbye without saying the words?  Have I said let her know that I will carry her with me and think of her every day for the rest of my life?  Have I let her know that I will be okay when I have no real belief that I will be?  How do you say goodbye when you are afraid to say the words?  What if she is not ready and doesn’t want me to say goodbye yet? 

I know there are no right answers.  I know that whatever I do and however I do it, it will be the best way at the time.

All of that to say, I won’t be around for a while.  Or I will be.  I don’t know.  I don’t know how to do this.  If I don’t update you, I will make sure someone does.  And if you get a spare moment to send some peace our way, we sure could use it.  Because I really, really don’t know how to do this.

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Seven Ways to Waste an Entry

Seven Ways to Waste an Entry

Because sometimes you think something looks fun and so you say you want to play.  It is about that time you realize that you were so very wrong.  A quick fun meme (and I so don’t do meme’s) that a lot of my friends are doing.  For the record, if they all jump off the Brooklyn Bridge, this time I am not going to follow. 

That being said, welcome to my Seven Sevens:

Seven Things I Want To Do Before I Die

Die? What do you know that I don’t?  I can take it.  No, I can’t!  Shut up!

1) Finish this meme since I have lost it in the depths of Internet hell 3 times since I started it.

2) Have many, many grandbabies that I can spoil rotten and then pass back to their parents. (Along those lines: See the curse of the mother fulfilled: ‘I hope you have one just like you!’)

3) Travel around the US with my husband.  So many great cities to see and so many fun things to do!

4) Take a week long trip with my best gal friends.  No kids, laundry or anything that resembles responsibility.

5) Become the person my children thinks I am when they look at me so innocently.

6) Achieve and maintain a spotless and clean house!

7) Stick to a budget

Seven Things I Cannot Do

1) Cook a gourmet meal.  How do you keep an eye on so many different things at one time without something burning?  Of course, this is coming from a woman who has caught frozen vegetables on fire, sooo…

2) Stay on task.  It’ just that every now and then….Ohhh shiny penny!

3) Sing.  Don’t even ask.

4) Ignore the people in my life who are mean to be mean, backstabbers or just plain rude.  I have a hard time keeping them insignificant.

5) Fine the desire to give a crap about crafty things like Martha Stewart

6) Sleep.  8 hours in one night?  Really? I cannot imagine.

7) Stick to a budget

Seven Things I Admire In My Spouse/Best Friend

1) Loyalty

2) That he embraces the immature side of me rather than running away screaming in fear.

3) Honesty

4) The way he loves our children.  He is an amazing father and believes parenthood to be a tag-team effort.

5) His sense of Humor.  He totally cracks me up.

6) His dedication.  To me, our family, his beliefs, his goals.

7) [censored] *wink wink*

Seven Things I Say Most Often

1) Excuse me?! (When said it usually means, what the hell did you just say to me?)

2) Whatever.  (You have been dismissed when you hear this.  Trust me. It is not a good thing to hear from me.)

3) I’m sorry.  (I apologize too much.  Sorry ‘bout that!)

4) Is it bedtime?  It must be bedtime.  For the love of any sanity I have left, tell me it is bedtime. (Or some version of that rant.)

5) I’m just sayin’

6) Does that make sense?

7) What was I saying?  (Again with the shiny penny moments.)

Seven Books or Series Authors I Love

1) Janet Evanovich (The Stephanie Plum books.  Not so much the old ones.  And no so sold on Metro Girl yet)

2) Stuart Woods Entertaining and quick reads.

3) gods in Alabama (and I am not just saying that because I have a slight crush on Joshilyn’s writing)

4) Bird by Bird – Anne Lamott

5) Shirley Jump – And she Blogs!

6) Martha O’Conner – She blog too.  Loving the blog writers!

7) Melanie Lynne Hauser – Because she said I could be her BFF and her blog makes me laugh.

Waaayyyyy too many and I simpy cannot put anymore.  Besides, if I answer all the authors I love this will be a Seven Hundreds Meme.

Seven Movies I Would Watch Over and Over Again

1) The Sound of Music (Shut up, it’s a classic and a tradition in my family.)

2) When a Man Loves a Woman (Me.  Enough said.)

3) The Year Without a Santa Clause (I told you I love my Heat Miser!)

4) Office Space (Are you missing work?  I wouldn’t say I am missing it.)

5) Please Don’t Eat the Daisies (The kid in the cage? Classic!)

6) The Lethal Weapon Series (4 is my favorite) (I’m getting too old for this shit.)

7) Pillow Talk– (“Mr. Allen, this may come as a surprise to you, but there are some men who don’t end every sentence with a proposition. “)

Seven Songs I Can’t Get Enough Of

(I can’t link them.  I would have to blow up the blog to do so.  I just can’t! Sorry.  See above.)

1) I Want You To Want Me – Cheap Trick

2) In Your Eyes – Peter Gabriel

3) More Than a Feeling – Boston

4) Keeper of the Stars – Tracy Byrd

5) That’s Why I’m Here – Kenny Chesney

6) Family Tradition – Hank Williams Jr.

7) Crazy Train – Ozzy Osborne

Seven People I Tag With This NMeme because I know they have a life that needs to be distrupted as mine has been.  And because I am mean.

1) Clint– because I said nice things about him so he has to

2) Meeta because I am horrible and am never around when she IMs me

3) Jenny because she isn’t doing anything this week.  Oh wait, she is SWAMPED, but she gets tagged anyway

4) Meghan because I have to get the ones who have to be nice to me

5) nEo because he never ceases to crack me up and his comments are always hit home with me.  I can’t wait to see what he does with this one.

6)Christine because I miss her and this might get me bonus points!

7) You. Yes, YOU. Because Mir said so.  (Trackback here so I can read your Sevens layers of hell Sevens

And with that, thank the heavens and all that is good and nice in the world, I am finished!

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Don’t call me Little Miss Crabby Ass!

Don’t call me Little Miss Crabby Ass!

imageI admit it.  Today was one of those days where I tend to not only act crabby, but I roll around in my immaturity until the stench of bad-attitude seeps from my pours.  I made the mistake of whining to the wrong right friend.  Did I get support?  No.  Did I get helpful advice?  No.  I got the image you see to the left in my email. No note.  No hang in there.  (Not even that damn kitten hanging from a branch saying ‘Hang in There’) Just that image.  It totally worked.  I laughed my ass off!  So, WHY was I cranky?  Because today was “Oh dear lord they are all going to be out of school for WEEKS and this in my last full day alone to do just ME stuff like a movie or getting my nails done or the creme de la creme…SLEEP!” And it was shot to shit.  So far, I know some of you are on the same page and get it.  Well, many of you are.  Until I tell you why it was messed up.  You see, it is the matter of this 104 degree temperature that arrived in my house this morning. (No, not me.) Gabrie. I did feel sorry for my baby girl.  She was so sick and I really wasn’t mad that I missed those things.  I really was not. The missing of Me Time was fine.  A blip in my day.  It didn’t even come when I realized that this high of a fever meant Gabrie would want to sit right beside me glued to my hip all day.  Snuggling or most likely fussing or just talking talking talking.  Even then the crabby ass stayed away.  Wanna know what really brought on the crabby-ass and slammed it down the home court?

Nick Jr. and Barbie

Today was a day of all day Dora, Barbie and Blues Clues and some other horrifying show with fake looking people with pink and blue hair that frankly are not at all right for young children to be watching, I must say.  All.  Day.  ALL DAY

Yes, you may weep for me now.  I shall wait.  It isn’t that I don’t like these shows, but All Day?  That is just cruel and unusual punishment for anyone.  You see, Gabriella stayed home from school today with that raging and somewhat scary fever.  When she is home that means that Mommy is the playdate de jour!  I get to play Barbie.  We all know how much I love *gag* playing Barbie. (Tell me…How can I role play with a “woman” that I would probably try to bitch slap if I ever really met her.  We did have a more fun version we played, but Clint says I can no longer play Ghetto Barbie from da Hood street fighting with Gabriella.  I think it is because it is the only game I won’t let her win at!) So, anyway, it was Barbie!  And then Dora!  And now, at least, thank you Nick Jr. I can catch new episodes of Go Diego Go!  (I have been watching these shows for 12 years! I think there should be compensation for anyone who has seen every show that Nick Jr has to offer at least 142 times. Sober.  Seriously.  Can you say Class Action Law Suit? Any lawyers in the house that want to take this one?  There are torture laws and this must be covered under them!) Now I am all Nick Jr’ed out (That is SO a phrase…ask anyone who has had to do this all day!) and have played with every Barbie in the house–even ratty ol’ Skanky Suzie who can’t seem to keep her top on and has had a very bad haircut given in the past few months.  (Guess what Suzy:  It ain’t growin’ back!)

Mommy needs a break (and more wine coffee.)

In other news (as if my brain functions well enough on more “bitchy pills” to capture other news) it appears that my oldest son has a new girlfriend.  Please stand by while I go hurl myself onto the floor in fits of hysteria and panic. A Girlfriend.  As in the kind of female he really likes.  I am not ready. Nope.  I think I may have to force him back to the day of crayons and Playdoh.  Make him wear the most nerd-tronic clothes I can find and cut his hair with PlayDoh scissors.  Middle school is NOT for the faint of heart.  At least not for the parents. 

On a more serious note, my other son who was threatened in school is doing so much better!  I have seen the support from the teachers and the principal to make me feel better about the whole situation.  Still on guard with me, but better overall.  (Thanks for all of the support there.  You all gave me some great advice and I have taken it as far as I can take it legally. But trust me when I say, I will continue to stay on this an ensure the best and safest solution is met for both boys.) The child in question is no longer in my son’s class and it has made all the difference in the world for my boy.  He is so much more relaxed and is enjoying school again.  I am so thankful.  For a while after I went all in the face of the school and the police and the school board, my son had the incredible attitude of “Mess with me and my MOM will come TAKE YOU DOWN.” Ahhhh, the power of having a loud mouth mother!  All hail the big mouths in the crowd!  Hollah!

So, yes, I was a bit of a crabby ass today.  But heaven bless the wonderful friends who will send me emails with nothing but a smart ass image to ground me again.  (As always, feel free to send them on.  I have “people” who handle these kinds of things if it gets ugly.  Right, MoFoJ?)

Tomorrow is better!  Tomorrow is [pass the wine] better!  Tomorrow is better!  Tomorrow is [pass more wine] better!

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Psssst…I am at Mommybloggers today

Psssst…I am at Mommybloggers today

I am over at Mommybloggers with a fresh essay today.  I plan on being back here later in the day, but if you are looking for something now, head on over there and say howdy.

If you want to have some fun and meet some other bloggers in a fun way, read the hysterical answers we got for our Questions & Answers Roundup.  (I even got to play along this time!) If nothing else, I guarantee you will find some new reads among this funny group of respondents (as well as the last group that we also have listed.)

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Strangers in the network….exchanging pingings

Strangers in the network….exchanging pingings

Apparently my laptop has a crush on my husband’s laptop.  Late last night in our bedroom, we were doing what all married geek couples do alone in bed at night–surfing and blogging–when suddenly my computer made a noise I had never heard before.  I liken it to the infamous “schwinnnnng!” of Wayne’s World.  Then a little icon that closely resembled a bulls-eye pops up. 

“What was that?” I panicked.  I mean, if my computer mocks me or makes threatening advances towards me when I am alone, that is one thing, but when the master geek is directly beside me, I begin to wonder what I did to cause such a bizarre response from my computer.

He glances over as it does it again.  “schwinnnnnnnnggg!” As we both stare at my computer in confusion, suddenly a response is heard from his computer, “schhhhhuuuuuwinnnnnnnnng”.  Then back to mine.  Then back to his!  We must’ve have looked like the RCA dog watching a tennis match.

Then my computer declares it’s reason for schwinginess (totally a word, by the way!) with a message:  “Another computer is located nearby” pops up as a warning.  I hurridly sneak a glance at Clint’s computer as his has the same reaction.

“Look!  They love each other!  My computer it totally crushing on your computer!  And your’s is in l-o-v-e too!  Just look at his hard drive!”

It was at this point I dissolved into a fit of giggles as Clint rolled his eyes so far back into his head he could watch his brain seize with the effort of dealing with my late night adventures.  (Remember the Shadow of Doooooom?)

An exasperated Clint replies with, “They are computers.  It is the network. It is the network doing it’s job.”

“No, baby, they are in love!  They felt each other’s presence accross the vast expance of the distance between them and reached out with a “schwinnnnnnnnng” of love.”

“Jenn! You are less than a foot away from me.”

“Oh would it kill you to just go with it for the love of all things sentimental! “*huffy sigh*

“You do know that if you blog this, Jenn, they just may have to take away your geek card, right?”

“Hmmm, and you do know that if I get my geek card taken away, Clint, you will automatically get your Ever-Having-Sex-With-My-Wife-Again card taken away as well.  Did you read the fine print there, my friend?  I am guessing not.  Feel free to think about it sweetie, I can wait.”

“Awwwwwwwwwww, how sweet that our computers are in love and found each other!  There.  Now does that count?  You won’t blog it?”

“Totally counts…

…But still blogging it.”

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