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Month: April 2006

Will Blog for pay and perks (but mainly pay)

Will Blog for pay and perks (but mainly pay)

Okay, so I am sure that many of you figured out what my good news is.  I am going to go see Busy Mom so that we can put our evil powers to good use in order to take over the world and force everyone to get tattoos saying “I love all mommyloggers!  Power to the Moms!” and then we are going to laugh about our evil ways over coffee…only the best blends, of course!  Actually, not so much true.  I want to go see Busy Mom and I know we could totally take over the world and force those tattoos and stuff, but that is for a later day.  (Do you know how hard it is to tattoo thousands of people at one time using only the Magic Markers we have at our disposal?  We have much planning to do!)

So the real good news is that I got a job!  At home.  Where I can drink coffee, work in my jammies and say, “Not now.  Mommy is working (while surfing the net of course).” Actually, I will be getting paid for it.  A paid blogging gig.  Imagine that?!  Yes, I am one of the several other bloggers you may have come across announcing that they are joining the ranks of ClubMom blogging headed up by the roundup blog queen goddess herself, Amalah. (Suck up much?  Of course!) There are more that I know have signed on to join us, but I will wait until they tell you themselves. 

And really, I am very excited about this!  Although I didn’t come up with some amazing topic that will be life changing like a Weight Loss blog or Training for a Marathon or helping the world to get out of debt forever and ever or even how to establish world peace with just a blog.  I didn’t even sign up for something that would justify my addiction and obsession with the gossip mags that so often frequent my coffee table.  Ready for this one.  I am blog about life with ’tweens

I will pause now while people who know me in real life (a) stop laughing and (b) drop to their knees thankful that they no longer have to be the sole recipients of my rantings and such about my ‘tweens.

I really don’t expect much from this gig in regards of rewards and perks.  I mean, a simple appearance on The View if it is before Meredith Viera leaves or on the Today Show if she has already moved over.  A meeting with Andrew Shue to discuss life and Melrose Place and soccer.  Nationwide fame and fortune.  But other than that, I am not expecting too much.  Oh, what I really do expect is all of you who read me to come over and read me there.  Trust me.  They could use the readers I have here coming over there and commenting and reading there.  Can we say diversification needed?

Anyway, this job came at a perfect time.  It seems the stars are lining up because this is one of a few projects I am working on that are looking (*knock on wood*) pretty good.  Maybe this year IS turning around for the best.  So, promise me you will come see me over there?  Pinky swear?  Because you know I will still love you best!

I will let you know as soon as they name the blog and tell me, oh I don’t know…the url and how to find it because at this point I don’t know.  Just please don’t let them name it something that makes me want to vomit.  No Name Vomit.  That is all I ask.  That and the Today Show.  And fame and fortune. But that is all.

[Update:  I WILL continue to blog here.  Mommy Needs Coffee isn’t going anywhere.  In fact, I will do all I can to keep this one growing and being all that YOU want it to be.  Kind of like the Army, but I won’t make you do pushups or anything! And Mommybloggers will stay active and grow as will BlogHer and my monthly posts at DotMoms.  I plan on handcuffing myself to my laptop, you see! But don’t worry.  This new job and the other things I have lined up are not going to keep me from blogging here or finishing my book.  Those are tops!]

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I don’t do meme’s but for a dear, old friend I will do this one!

I don’t do meme’s but for a dear, old friend I will do this one!

The 4 Things Meme: (And you readers know don’t do these, but how can I not when a great friend asks me so nicely.  It’s all about helping the newer bloggers, people. All about it!)

So hear we go.

Four Jobs I’ve Had:

1. Sacker at Grocery Store

2. Balloon & Popcorn Delivery Gal

3. Cook at Mc Donald’s (Apparently I didn’t work well enough with the public to be upfront on the cash register so I got the distinction and honor of being the first girl on the grill.  But really… it was McDonald’s.  The menu never changes.  Do you need to stand there for 10 minutes deciding and then changing your mind.  People can be so stupid.  See?  That is why I was on the grill.  With the foul mouthed, fun loving guys.  I work better that way.)

4. Butt-wiper….aka Mom

Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over

1. Grease (yes, it is cheesy.  Yes, it is stupid.  No, I don’t even own it.)

2. Bridget Jones’ Diary (just so I can sing Allll Byyyy Myyyy selfffff with her)

3. When a Man Loves a Woman

4. Lethal Weapon 4

Four TV Shows I Love to Watch:

1. Grey’s Anatomy

2. Alias

3. Lost

4. Boston Legal

Four Places I’ve Been on Vacation:

1. Panama City Beach, Fl

2. Durango, Colorado

3. Jekyll Island, Ga

4. San Jose, CA (BlogHer, baby!)

Four Favorite Dishes:

1. Manicotti

2. Margaritas…oh and the Mexican food that comes with it

3. Steak

4. Whatever Clint cooks (He could SO be a professional chef!)

Four Places I’d Rather Be:

1. At my Dad’s house

2. In California causing trouble with some of my best buds

3. On a beach in Jamaica

4. back in bed

You may now go weep at my sell out.  I am all about sell out this week, so I can take it.

I am not naming names to tag.  You want to do it because you have nothing so say, do it and and link back.  You don’t want to do it, well, fine…be that way!  Oh, and since I am ALL ABOUT the posting today, I wanted to let you know that I have good news.  Yeah, you probably figured it out by now, but I will post all about it later today.  Again.  Wait for it!

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Too bizarre a dream even for ME

Too bizarre a dream even for ME

As you have read, I have been under a lot of stress lately.  A LOT.  When this happens, I tend to have bizarre dreams.  Freaky deaky ones.  The thing with me, even though they are so unusual, I have to ask the next day or so if it actually happened.  My husband is used to this and ignores me.  I mean, how could one woman think that most of the things her mind creates is real.  Take for instance this conversation with my husband this morning.

Me:  I had really weird dreams the other night.

Him:  And this is different how?

Me:  I dunno.  I mean, sometimes I know they are weird, but sometimes they are so real my mind begins to think of them as actually memories sometimes.

Him:  Mmmmhmmmmm (such a noncommital answer!)

Me:  Like take for instance that time I hit you really hard that morning because you said you were going out on a business dinner and ended up taking a hot exgirlfriend to the zoo and bought her all of those really expensive shitty souveniers that I want, but you always tell me no.  Remember that?  Because you really were out late that night and my mind got it jumbled and stuff.

Him:  Yes, I remember your UNCALLED for arm frogging.  So, what does that have to do with anything?

Me:  Well, you know how Chelle (my sister for those of you just joining us) spent that entire week reading nothing but the gossip rags and trash papers?  Remember how I always interrupted what you were doing to shout out a new star who was pregnant or who was cheating on who and the freakishly wacked out world of Hollywood?

Him:  Is there a point to this?

Me:  There is.  I just…well, I just need clarification because something I think I read I might not really read because it is way out there and well, I want to ask you to see if you remember me shouting it out to you.  Remember?  You chose to be the SANE one in this relationship!

Him:  I am SO afraid to ask this, but what is your question?  (Then he actually physically flinched. Actually FLINCHED from my forthcoming words.)

Me:  Okay I just need to know if I read it or dreamed it.  Okay?  No judgements.

Him:  What it is you think you know but you are not sure but already *I* am sure it was a dream, but tell me anyway.

Me:  Okay, well…it’s like this.  I think but am not sure so I am totally not speaking from the truth and would never say anything bad about someone so ..well so hip and cool and shit, but did I tell you at some point that Andrew Shue has a blue penis?  I mean, freaky and strange, but I have to know.

Him:  You are serious, aren’t you?  Tell me you are not serious.  I mean it.  Tell me that was a joke.

Me:  *giggling nervously* Of COURSE it is a joke.  I mean that is impossible!  Completely!  I adore him and would never believe it even if someone said that.  Totally not true.  Totally a joke.  A JOKE.  I mean, I support the man and his projects.  ESPECIALLY that new one that I am so excited about.  See?  Me laughing!  See?

Him:  Therapy, Jenn.  Therapy.

Me:  I know.  I know.  Because truly, on ANYONE blue penises and bullocks would be too traumatic!  Even for me.

Him: Do not blog this.  Don’t Jenn.  I mean it.

Me:  Of course I won’t.  I never missed an episode of Mel*rose Place.  I love *Andrew.  **Would never dream of blogging something so ludacris!

* Andrew, it was a dream.  No hard feelings?  I mean, Matthew McConaughey still loves me when I dreamed he stole me away to make me his love slave. And that whole debacle about George Clooney dressing like a woman dream?  Totally not true and he still loves me. 

** No one tell Clint that I blogged this, mmmkay?

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We Want You! (To go to BlogHer ’06)

We Want You! (To go to BlogHer ’06)

I am sure by now you have heard that Mommybloggers are sending a blogger to BlogHer.  (You do know about that because you read Mommybloggers, too.  Right?)

BlogHer is an amazing 2 day conference for women, but not exlusively for women.  Men are invited too.  BlogHer’s mission is quite simple, yet so important.  BlogHer

Is it possible to have a week of Mondays?

Is it possible to have a week of Mondays?

Let me see if I can sum up my week so far for you.  [Insert ranting, raving and crying now. Funny later.  Ranting now.]

Saturday/early Sunday spent in the ER with my son who broke himself.  But apparently he was able to pick up who knows what kind of cooties there because he has been throwing up violently since then.  Finally it stopped yesterday.  (Did I mention I don’t do vomit?  Can’t handle it.  One of those things that my brain must see as a group project because if someone in my presence tosses their cookies, mine come trailing after.)

Son gets better but cannot go back to school until he gets a hard cast on.  Doctor won’t see him until he is fever free 24 hours.  Fun times.  But the puking stopped.  That’s good, right?  Well, it would be if it wasn’t for the fact that…

…Gabriella picked it up and is now in the same boat with fever and sick all over.  (If you remember from 2 seconds ago, I DO NOT do vomit.  It is in my parental contract that I don’t have to!) But when your poor 5 year old is sick and weak and needs her Mommy, I’m there.  Regardless of the fact that I am a sympathetic puker.

Oh…oh….but see, that would be just a bad week.  I also have the school pissed off at me because Brandon missed all week. During the STANDARDIZED testing.  Major sin in Plano.  MAJOR.  I am thinking the dean realizes she caught me at a bad time when she threatened truancy court and my response was,

“BRING IT because, honey (I am in the south and honey can be used interchangeably with bitch), it would be a welcome vacation to throw my ass in jail where I am not cleaning up anyone’s puke, I have no deadlines and I am not the one responsible for everything that goes wrong.  So, feel free. When shall I be there?”

She pretty much got quiet after that and told me she hopes Brandon feels better soon.

Oh, and I got a job.  Good?  Sure if you like drama.  Because I have attached to my ass a drama magnet.  Need drama?  Sit by me.  It will come.  The ironic part is I am usually trying to ease the drama.  Guess I am not so great at that.  My question to the world, the fates or whoever is rolling the dice of my life… Does everything have to have drama?  I am a part of 3 separate groups right now that are all dealing with drama, drama, drama.  I am not good with drama now.  NOT GOOD.

See?  Jenn=Not stable right now.

And it is only Wednesday.  What a banner frickin’ week!

I think this is the first time since my Mom passed away that I have literally sat down on the floor with my phone in my hand sobbing.  I can honestly say I would give anything for just a 5 minute talk with her.  She can’t help with all of the crap and chaos going on my life, but she would always be able to make me laugh.  I miss her.  And even at 36 years old, I am not afraid to say it.  I want my Mommy.

So how is your week going?

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Take one 12 year old, mix with a skateboard, add in a sidewalk crack and what do you have?

Take one 12 year old, mix with a skateboard, add in a sidewalk crack and what do you have?

Well, if you are like me you like action and adventure on a Saturday night.  (Which actually for me means popping in the DVD Mr & Mrs. Smith and eating popcorn and NOT having a napkin but using my shirt.  That is living on the edge here, baby!) But for others, such as my son, he likes the big fun of a trip to the emergency room on a Saturday night. 

Brandon was spending the night at a friend’s house and I get a call at about 7:30pm saying, “I fell and my wrist really hurts. BUT Mom, don’t freak.  I am okay.  And DON’T come pick me up.  Okay?”

Of course my verbal response was, “Okay, let me know if it gets worse.” Upon hanging up I was all “Omigod, he broke it.  I know he did.  Do NOT doubt the intuition of a mom. I need to get him.  Boil Water!  Tear sheets!  Call someone!  Hurry!  My baby is hurt” I can feel safe in sharing with you that my wonderful husband did what most men would do when their wife freaks for “no reason”.  He nodded.  Then went back to his WoW game. 

After a few hours, I settled in, took my NyQuil because this COLD IS KILLING ME, I tell you.  (It must be the Bird Flu or Mad Cow Disease.  My head just hurts THAT badly!) So cozy in my jammies I get a call at 11:45pm.  “Mom, it really hurts and I really think that I messed it up.  Can you come get me?”

Whoooosh!  Super Mom rushes into action.  Grabbing clothes that are not my cozy jammies (so that I don’t look like *I* need to be the one doctors rush back into the depths of the e.r. curtain immediately because why else would this woman look this horrific?!), cell phone and a Diet Coke.  (Damn NyQuil!) All the while mumbling LOUDLY, “See!  HURT!  Do not doubt the Mom with THE KNOW power.  I told you so, HONEY!”

Sure enough, the boy has fractured his wrist.  After HOURS of playing, “What do you think is wrong with that poor sap?” and “Quick!  Hold your breath!  They look AWFUL!”, we were finally seen, x-rayed and splinted up with instructions to see an orthopedic surgeon on Monday.  And he was told no school until he gets a hard cast put on it.  Ummm, see, the only problem is that he has his [insert expletive here] standardized testing on Monday.  Normally, I would say too bad, so sad, deal with it school.  However, I have been forced to talk to been called by the dean twice this week about absences and school and “We are at the end of the school year and he cannot miss and how could you be such a horrible Mom, you slacker!” Yes, I have been called to the carpet by the principal already and was none too pleased.  So, we have doctors orders vs. Miss Dean You-Will-Burn-In-Hell-If-Your-Son-Misses-Any-More-School. 

But I have a doctor’s note.  Ha ha ha.  Doctor’s note trumps threats of being sent to hell!  Nya!

One good thing did come of it.  I discovered that NO ONE shops at WalMart at 4:00am.  I just may have found a loop-hole in my “I can’t go to WalMart because it is so crowded I come home crying” rule.  4:00am shopping!  But today…today I am useless and exhausted.  But at least my son is feeling no pain. (Thank you Vicodin!)

The point of this story is… a mom who has been in an e.r. all night does not have to have a point.  I can babble-ass if I want to.



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