An open letter to the creators of World of Warcraft

An open letter to the creators of World of Warcraft

Dear Creators of World of Warhell (or Warcrap–whatever floats your boat),

I recently visited your website.  I read your section about “What is World of Warcraft” and this is what you had to say:

World of Warcraft is an online role-playing experience set in the award-winning Warcraft universe. Players assume the roles of Warcraft heroes as they explore, adventure, and quest across a vast world. World of Warcraft is a “Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game” which allows thousands of players to interact within the same world. Whether adventuring together or fighting against each other in epic battles, players will form friendships, forge alliances, and compete with enemies for power and glory.

I have a suggestion that would help in better describing your game.  Check this:

World of Warcraft is an online HELL set in the addictive-winning Warhell universe.  Addicts assume the roles or Warhell junkies as they explore, adventure and quest for a bigger and better fix.  World of Warhell is a “Massively Addictive Multiplayer Online Rave That Will Cause Your Loved Ones to Pull out Their Own Hair in Frustration” which will allow thousands of players to interactively become addicted within the same version of hell.  Whether fighting together or against each other until their eyes are bloodshot and half blind, players will form gangs, forge support groups of addiction, and compete with enemies that are more batshit crazy from the game than they are all in the name of non-existant power and glory.

See?  I really think that my explanation is so much better.  Kind of like a warning of sorts.

Why would I waste my time writing this?  Well, that is quite simple.  Last night some strange man with hair standing on end with eyes red and glazed over walked out of my office searching for food in my kitchen.  As I screamed and nearly beat him upside the head with a rolling pin, it wasn’t until a vague sense of recognition set in that I dropped my never-used-except-when-threatened rolling pin that I had brandished as a weapon to beat this stranger.  It turned out to only be my son.  It has just been that long since I have seen anything but the back of his head for so long.  Seeing him come at me scared the beejeezus out of me. 

Together, my husband–at least I think it is my husband, the back of his head is familiar– and my oldest son have initiated my youngest son into their cult of War of Worldhell.  I have even heard the phrase muttered more than once, “Come on!  Everyone is doing it!” (Little game-pushing bullies!)

I resent that I have to hear day in and day out about new “friends” of ours who have joined their gang guild.  And then, to have those same gangmembers guildmembers calling me asking me to join.  They are worse than Amway!  I am forced to ask you:  Are you sending subliminal messages that cause my family to be forced to have their intelligence, self-control and ability to just say NO sucked out of them?

I have resorted to wearing protective eye-wear and earplugs when I enter the office game room hell.  Just in case.  I don’t want to unsuspectedly be sucked in against my will.

Seriously, I have a favor to ask.  I think it is the least you can do considering you have in essence made me a loner in my own home.  An outcast, if you will.  Can you like cut all of the servers offline for one weekend?  Just one weekend.  I heard my son has grown 2 inches.  I wouldn’t know.  I haven’t seen him standing up in months.  And my husband?  He began telling me all about his amazing cool pet and some trick he taught it before I realized he wasn’t talking about our Doberbutt but rather some mythical illusion that must be a side effect of the Warhell experience.

I know your game is increasingly popular and all, but I must say…I harbor much bitterness and hatred towards you.  I realize you will probably never see this as you are working on and building up your cult, but if by chance you do, would it be okay if mooned you.  Because really, the entire cult of War of Worldhell kissing my ass would probably help me feel a little bit better.

With the utmost fear of your evil and dread of your upcoming new release,

Jenn

ps- If you see my husband or sons online, can you please send them my new address?  I don’t think they will notice I left until the power goes out or (more likely) their food runs out.

Update:  This is the response (after many funny and snarky emails back and forth with some developers from Blizzard).  I love the way they respond.  So, yes, now I am a gamer.  And yes, now I play WoW A LOT!  And yes, I sold out to Blizzard.  So sue me!]

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