Pondering heart aches both physical and mental

Pondering heart aches both physical and mental

Look who is off of computer restriction!  Me!  Me!  See?  I am the boss of myself and no one tells me what to do.  I decide when to get online and when not to.  (But if you tell Clint I was online, I will cut you!)

First, a medical update because that will tie into the rest of this entry.  As of now, my heart is looking physically well.  It is beating strongly and pumping as it should.  My blood pressure–ironically enough– was too low for them to give me meds like nitroglycerine tabs when I was having chest pains.  Did you know your resting heart rate can actually be 45 and you can still be functioning?  And ohhhhh can we talk about how much I loved the oxygen!  And how it makes you actually able to breathe.  To breathe.  It was amazing.  So far the seventyeleven pints of blood they have taken are still not enough and they are bringing me back for me because “Gee, we just can’t seem to test for more than one thing per vial and well, we know you have a lot of blood in there.” The only thing that showed up on this round of tests physically is a lesion on my liver.  They say it is nothing to worry about.  Nothing to stress over.  To consider like a birthmark that has probably always been there.  Ummm…okay.  So, if or when we meet, don’t ask to see my birthmark.  It will totally make you vomit.

What they do know without question is that I am on the brink of a nervous breakdown stress-wise.  That 80% of this is exhaustion, stress and probably a bit of PTSD (post traumatic stress) after Mom’s death.  They are trying new meds to see if they help.  (So, far, not so much.) The chest pains?  Still intense and they do interfere with daily life.  The dizzy to the point of hitting the ground?  Yep.  Still there playing peek-a-boo.  That pretty much makes this a situation of “avoid all stress you can for 2 weeks while we madly dig through all of our medical journals to figure out what the other 20% of your health problems are.”

Avoid all stress.

Who wants 3 kids?  Want to come over and clean my house?  Want to come sit down and schedule soccer, girl scouts and gymnastics?  Anyone up for cooking dinner?  Every damn night?  Paying bills?  Working?  Writing?  Editing?

Avoid all stress.

Could someone please explain that one to me?  How?  I am serious.  (I would say dead serious, but with all of the ER visits and chest pains and such that I have had in the past few weeks, I am SO not seeing humor in that.) Suggestions to mentally de-stress?

Which brings me to the blog.  No.  I am not quitting.  How could I?  I love writing and love what I have built here.  I am not quitting.

I’ll be honest with you, though, when I tell you I wasn’t sure if I was going to come back to blogging anytime soon.  But the thing is, I love writing.  I have loved blogging.  But what is going on out there?  You see, when I started to blog, it was fun.  I loved the people I was meeting.  It was like Camp HappyWannaShowDaLove All the Time singing Kumbaya at the end of the week.  And even though that is still out there, it appears to be less the norm.  (I am looking for it.  Show it to me.) What I see are blogs that are popping up whose only purpose is to criticize and find fault in other blogs.  Blogs that are out there to make fun of other bloggers.  Blogs that decide it is entertainment to find a blog and decide to randomly rate them and say they are not worthy for whatever reason they deem at the moment.  (Don’t like the design.  The header was ugly.  There was a misspelling.  They talked about something the “reviewer” didn’t find interesting.) Or they make it entertainment to just hate on another blogger.  For the purpose of hating another person.  That is entertainment?  Something bad happened to someone so let’s point, laugh and see how badly we can make them feel?  Huh?

And then there is the personal aspect.  An example would be telling someone you barely know and have met and spoken to for maybe 5 minutes that she is “phony” “is very uphappy and needs help” and that obviously the laughing, happy person was “not the real her.” Why?  What inside a person makes them think that this is either appropriate or necessary.  Don’t get me wrong.  There is a time and place for frank honest discussions between friends.  But to barely know someone and say things even more horrifying than that to them? I don’t get it.  Call me naive, but I really don’t get it.  I don’t understand going behind someone’s back talking about them and then going back to that person and pointing out (inaccurate) faults that you feel you know when you have no idea who that person is in her real life?  Well, it is just mean.  And, well, more importantly why?

And there is a lot of mean out there right now.

And a lot of sadness.

“Avoid all stress.”

So maybe you won’t leave my blog forever if I continue this short leave of absence.  Or maybe you will.  (I hope you will stay.) But until we know exactly what is going on with my health, I cannot afford to hang out in Camp ImaGonnaTryToHurtYou.  It just isn’t good for me.  (We will know more medically soon. I will let you know when I am back in hospital for more tests.  Currently I am scheduled to go in about a week or so.) I love blogging.  I loved being a part of Camp HappyWannaShowDaLove All the Time.  But right now, I am trying to keep my health from getting any worse.  Because I am pretty sure that if I hit the floor at Kroger one more time with my teenage son, he will run away from home.

And your comments you’ve been leaving for me?  Thank you. I wish I knew a better way to say thank you. Thank you for being kind, my friends.  Thank you doesn’t seem like enough, but that is all I know to express my gratitude.  Thank you from the bottom of my strongly beating, but aching heart.  I love you guys!


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