Let me tell you a story, kiddos.  Grab your blankets and some popcorn.  It is part humor, part horror and of course, with a moral.

Once upon a time there was a Mom whose first born had started kindergarten.  As soon as school started a woman who referred to herself as the PTA president phoned her.  “Are you in the house alone?!” (I kid.  She totally didn’t say that.) Though what she said was almost as scary.  “I would like you to be the kindergarten room parent.”

[cue horror theme music and screeching violins]

After several “No, really, no thank you. Not for me.  Don’t think so.  Uh-uh.  Not gonna happen” I found myself the kindergarten room parent.  In charge of all parties and all volunteers.  Having never had a child in public school before, I found myself in charge.  Miserably.

I learned after that year and changed my outgoing message on my answering machine to “Thank you for calling.  If you are calling in regards to volunteering, I will bring juice.”

Years later, I tried again.  This time on the Executive Board.  As the Membership Chair.  I took over from someone who left.  Bad move.  Bad position.  Bad year.  From then on out I took the stance of “Play dead when dealing with anyone from the PTA.” I have been known to throw myself on the floor and play dead to avoid being tagged as a volunteer.  The Stepfords…they scare me.

One of my good, close friends has been a Stepford in denial for quite a while.  “No, no…I am not a Stepford.  I just volunteer because I blah blah blah…” (I tuned out at this point.  Sort of like when Tom Cruise starts to talk about his knowledge of post partum depression or preach to me about Scientology.) I adore her, but day by day I see her inner Stepford coming out.  I am scared.  Hold me. 

Hang on, kiddos, this is where the horror comes in to play.

I got a phone call today.

“Are you in the house alone?” (Are you still falling for that?  What she said was much scarier!)

“They asked me to be PTA president.”

Okay, I think she might have said something else, but I was laughing and crying so hard I couldn’t hear another word. 

It happened.  They got her.  It is worse than Jason from Friday the 13th.  Worse than Freddy Krueger.  Worse than ‘When a Stranger Calls’.  She has become…

A STEPFORD.

No longer in denial.

I immediately rushed to my doctor to get my vaccine updated.  I mean, one cannot be too careful when dealing with the PTA.  They bite.

I shall miss you, my dear friend.  I will, of course, laugh at you, mock you and avoid you at all costs, but know that in my heart, I will miss you.

And also know….I am laughing my ass off at you!

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