I don’t know how…

I don’t know how…

A year ago today, my Mom was alive.

A year ago tomorrow, she wasn’t.

Somehow, I just cannot wrap my mind around it.  Still.  A year later.  I don’t know if this makes sense, but hitting the one year mark makes me feel emptier.  Sadder.  It was a feeling I felt briefly over New Year’s, but it is intensified a thousand times over at this point.  I feel like passing this one year point in some ways means I am leaving Mom behind.  Moving further away from her and the life she was.  I am not sure if I will ever be able to express it.  (I do know at least one person gets it as she said she felt it at New Year’s as well.) I don’t want to leave Mom behind.  Somehow during that first year and the first moments without her, there was something binding me to her and to her life.  Does this anniversary mean move on?  Is it time to just say, “It’s been a year.  You need to cope better now.” Does the period where people understand your pain end at one year?

I don’t have the answers.

I just wish I could be in last year when she was still with me.  Because gawd I miss her more than I ever imagined I could. 


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