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Month: May 2007

Shattered vases

Shattered vases

Every person has their share of things happen in their life that are–for lack of a better word–crappy. Bad things. “Tragic” things. Most of the time when things happen that throw us down, we get up, brush ourselves off and keep going. Let me tell you something if you don’t already know it. I have had my share of “tragedies” in my life. Times when I am knocked so hard to the ground I wonder how I will ever get back up let alone keep going. When things like that happen, people around you tell you how “strong you are” again and again. You nod and want to say, “You think so? How naive! What choice do I have?!” (At least I have wanted to say that at times.)

Each time you go through “the bad stuff” you feel your strength weaken at the seams. That mighty tower that stood the first time you went through the tough times is hardly the same structure. You feel more like a sand castle than a mighty tower of strength. So, what happens when that one thing you didn’t see coming happens? That one thing that cuts you to the core and knocks you flat on your back? What happens after that blow that knocks you so flat that you just cannot get up again? Not one more time. You are broken.

a broken vaseI imagine having a beautiful vase. An antique. Irreplaceable. Vintage. That one-of-a-kind art that once had that new sheen to it but is now a bit faded and chipped. Age, life and being handled has changed not only the look but the feel of it. It is cherished in its own way. Then it gets knocked to the floor. Shattered. Shards of its former glory spread all over. Piece by piece you painstakingly try to put it back together. Hours become days become weeks become months. At last, the final piece is glued back in place. The problem? Part of it is missing. What if that part is in the very center–the very core– of the vase? No matter what you do, that piece will always be missing. Trying to fill it with replacements doesn’t work. Each one just falls out as soon as there is any pressure on it.

It isn’t really a vase anymore. It can no longer do what it was meant to do. A piece of crap now or still a piece of art? I guess this is the point where you decide what is best… finding a new–unique purpose for the vase, trashing it or just letting it sit on the shelf gathering dust and having no purpose; therefore, rendering itself useless? No matter how many times you go back to it and try to fill that missing piece, nothing works. Nothing.

What if you are that vase? Life shattered you. You try so hard to put it all back together, but no matter what you do none of it fits together anymore. Rearranging pieces of your life– friends, work, family– doesn’t make them fit back into place as neatly as they once did. No matter how hard you try or yell or cry or bargain or beg. What then? I can tell you I have been pretty much sitting on the shelf gathering dust. Every once in a while I will see a new way to rearrange things and think they fit, but once the pressure is on, I crack and everything spills out again.

I have been in Houston for a while. Dad had some medical stuff that I wanted to be here for. (He’ll be fine.) But as I have been here I have seen my sister and my Dad and recognized myself– my pain– mirrored in them. I found the one place where broken fits. Where laughing over the inappropriate is standard. Where crying because for the love of all things holy my coffee just did not taste right is perfectly acceptable and not at all uncalled for. A rational act in our irrational world. We’re like the Island of Misfit Toys. None of us have all of our pieces and that is the normal way to be. It is a cozy cocoon. A haven. A place where the broken work together and somehow manage to just get through. Safe.

But this version of safe doesn’t mean whole or unbroken. Just safe— to “live” that way.

How do you rearrange things to work again in your real life? How do you get up from a blow that shattered so badly no one is saying how “strong” you are. You feel pitied, written off or forgotten. Sometimes all three. Sometimes in the places you didn’t count on from the most unexpected people. Moving on. Picking up. Rearranging. Worse…finding the strength and will to rearrange, pick up and move on. That part is the kicker.

As many times as I have been knocked down, beaten down and broken, never have I been shattered to a point where I can’t find a way to brush myself off. Partly because I have wanted to get through and move forward. What do you do when all you want to be is that damn vase before it shattered? What happens when you just cannot stop longing to be that pre-destroyed vase? What do you do when you know you can no longer be that damn vase because that piece is never, ever coming back to make it all work and for the love of god you don’t want to be anything else but that old vase? Forget new purpose and new meaning. You want the original to work.

And it doesn’t.

Then what?

This is where I normally give you a pithy little wrap up and answer my own question. This time? I’ll be damned if I have any answers for you.

Or for me.

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It’s not gossip. It’s networking!

It’s not gossip. It’s networking!

imageThe has been one of those weeks that has made me check and double check my ID and my old face to make sure that I am not in high school again. Seriously? Over. It. At what age does the gossip stop? The finger pointing? The worries about whether or not you are in the right clique or not? Honey, this is 2007. I am 37 years old. I don’t have time for cliques or trying to figure out where the cool table is or if I can sit there. For me, the cool table is the table where people are laughing and having fun regardless of who is sitting there–everyone belongs.

So, speaking of that, I have a bone to pick with a few of you. Well, actually, I don’t know if it really involves any of you but if it does, here ya go. I have been reading around some blogs about BlogHer and have read several times that women are either not sure if they “should” go or that they are going and feel like they are going to be either too “uncool” or “dorks” etc. Can I just go on the record as saying that ANYONE who thinks this better seek me out and hang with me. Why? Because the very best parts of BlogHer are the moments when strangers are sitting around a table together talking, laughing and sharing a good time and NO ONE cares about stats, popularity or even what “kind” of blog you have.

My best memories of BlogHer are these times. The times when the hoopla has settled. When the crazy race from one event to another has ended for the day. And the stress of being pulled to and fro for this or that is gone. That is when I have made the coolest friends, had the most laughs and (yes) gotten in the most trouble. (But falling in a hot tub was NOT my fault as much as it was fun and funny!) Leaving BlogHer I have left with new friends each year from these hanging out after the chaos and talking. Because really, the other stuff…the high school stuff that you (in the generic “you” way) are worried about, that fades away. I promise.

Which is why I said to seek me out. You don’t get dorkier or less cool than you do with me. And I promise to make you laugh. Hell, I made this woman pee herself laughing. And this woman got to catch me in a hot tub. And I am pretty sure I proposed to this lady. I know I was groped by this gal. And for sure this woman can verify that I did not give her the cold shoulder and won’t give you one either.

What do they all have in common? I didn’t know them before BlogHer. It was the fun time after the storm when we all starting hanging out and talking. That is where BlogHer wins my heart over every year. Meeting amazing people that I may not have had a chance to get to know otherwise. So, go to BlogHer. Sit and laugh with me so that *I* am not the dork sitting alone. Deal?

So tell me…are you going to BlogHer ‘07?

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Book Review: The Big Payoff

Book Review: The Big Payoff

[Editor note: The following is a review of a book I received complimentary and was asked to review. In the future, all reviews will be handled on a separate page of my blog. Thanks.]

I recently joined the great ladies at MotherTalk and I

Knock Knock…who’s there..not me, but check my other sites!

Knock Knock…who’s there..not me, but check my other sites!

I know you probably want something new here. I want something new here. But today has been a day of hellishness on a craptacular level. However, I would never leave you high and dry and without my excellent words of wisdom. (HA!)

I have a new entry up at Mommybloggers.

I also have a post up at BlogHer. That one is important to read. It deals with important legislation regarding Post Partum Depression (PPD). Go read. And act.

So, see, you can still keep up with me.

Oh, and Aggroqueen, she is reborn. Not just about World of Warcraft, but about other games and gaming. And my new baby. You’ll want to drool at my new baby.

Tomorrow a real entry about seriousness stuff. (No, not serious stuff. That would be too literal. Seriousness stuff sounds so much better even if it is illiterate.)

I hope none of you had a case of the Mondays like I did. At least it only comes once a week.

And to make all of us happy, I give you this: My favorite Strongbad email ever. Wonder why. Besides the fact that it is called “Caffeine” and pretty much portrays me after my 6th cup of coffee.

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Just Sunday

Just Sunday

I know it is Mother’s Day and as a “mommyblogger” I should be sending out poetic messages of maternal bliss.

But I am not.

I miss my Mom.

I miss her with an ache that encompasses every breath I take.

I miss her with an intensity that nearly knocks me off my feet.

I miss her so much I would give up anything in the world just to hear her voice.

I don’t want it to be Mother’s Day because I want my Mom and I can’t have her.


There are some good posts on Mothers and Others that I rounded up on BlogHer. Go there and be inspired. I’m sorry that I am all out of it here.

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Going to BlogHer? Buttonize yourself.

Going to BlogHer? Buttonize yourself.

I love the Internet. You people always come through for me. Special thanks to Kevan for making me the primo button to declare my going to BlogHer intentions. Feel free to use it, too.


I’ll be posting it in my sidebar, too. I had no idea it would be this easy. Now maybe I could come up with rotating slogans*. Ideas? I am so open to FUN** ideas for this.

Kevan, you are da bomb, baby!

*These ideas and opinions are those of the blog author (ME!) and do not necessarily represent the opinions of the BlogHer powers that be.

** Though these fun ideas are those of the blog author (ME!) they have been thoroughly embraced by my roommates.

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