Ever have one of those days. You know. Those days. The kind where you want to hermit yourself and stay away from anyone and anything? If by chance you do come across another human being you will most likely snap at them or (worse yet) cry?
Nothing could go right today.
I was sad.
I was depressed.
I was hurting.
I was angry.
I was so very lonely yet wanted didn’t want to be with anyone.
Nothing made sense.
I couldn’t sit still but didn’t want to do anything.
I didn’t want to talk but I really wanted someone to listen.
I needed to write but didn’t want to say anything worthwhile.
I wanted to reach out but wanted to be left alone.
I looked at my husband and begged him pathetically through my tears, “Please just help me to not feel things so deeply! I hate it so much. Please. Please I just don’t want to feel.”
None of this made sense to me. Why? I was either crying or angry today. And then I looked at the calendar and it all made sense. It is the experience of being a dry drunk. (Or in my case, a drug-free druggie.) Climbing the walls for an invisible fix that I haven’t had for years. Acting out like a user but not using. It’s the timing.
So I am going with it. I am feeling what I feel. I am riding the wave. I am living it as it comes yet not letting it take me down. Today I will cry if I need to. Laugh when I feel it. Be alone when I need to be. And forgive myself for not reaching out when I so desperately needed to reach out.
Tomorrow? Tomorrow will be better. Experience tells me tomorrow will be good.
It is today that I feel unworthy and risk throwing it all away. And you have no idea how close I came. I am just in that bad of a place tonight.
Tonight I think I am going to go to bed and cry. Because I need to. Because I hate being where I am and know I need to not let it simmer inside. I am going to be angry, hurt and sad. But just for today.
Tomorrow I will share with you the Wonderful, Awesome, So Good, Very Big Day. And why I know it will be a good day.
But tonight, I’m gonna cry.