Jenn and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Jenn and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Ever have one of those days. You know. Those days. The kind where you want to hermit yourself and stay away from anyone and anything? If by chance you do come across another human being you will most likely snap at them or (worse yet) cry?

Nothing could go right today.

I was sad.

I was depressed.

I was hurting.

I was angry.

I was so very lonely yet wanted didn’t want to be with anyone.

Nothing made sense.

I couldn’t sit still but didn’t want to do anything.

I didn’t want to talk but I really wanted someone to listen.

I needed to write but didn’t want to say anything worthwhile.

I wanted to reach out but wanted to be left alone.

I looked at my husband and begged him pathetically through my tears, “Please just help me to not feel things so deeply! I hate it so much. Please. Please I just don’t want to feel.”

None of this made sense to me. Why? I was either crying or angry today. And then I looked at the calendar and it all made sense.  It is the experience of being a dry drunk.  (Or in my case, a drug-free druggie.)  Climbing the walls for an invisible fix that I haven’t had for years.  Acting out like a user but not using.  It’s the timing.

So I am going with it. I am feeling what I feel. I am riding the wave. I am living it as it comes yet not letting it take me down. Today I will cry if I need to. Laugh when I feel it. Be alone when I need to be. And forgive myself for not reaching out when I so desperately needed to reach out.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow will be better. Experience tells me tomorrow will be good.

It is today that I feel unworthy and risk throwing it all away. And you have no idea how close I came. I am just in that bad of a place tonight.

Tonight I think I am going to go to bed and cry. Because I need to. Because I hate being where I am and know I need to not let it simmer inside. I am going to be angry, hurt and sad. But just for today.

Tomorrow I will share with you the Wonderful, Awesome, So Good, Very Big Day.  And why I know it will be a good day.

But tonight, I’m gonna cry.

18 thoughts on “Jenn and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

  1. Hi again Jenn. . .I can’t believe this, but as I was trying to catch up on some of your past posts, I almost choked on my coffee! This post was titled almost exactly as one that I had done in May,

    I swear I am not copying or stalking! I am really enjoying your talented prose and have even been sidetracked by some of the other mom bloggers you’ve referenced. What a great bunch of ladies! It will be hard getting back to my own blog!

    Congratulations on your addiction-free status : ) I have a dear cousin who is finally free of the addiction but it, unfortunately, seems to have come too late. It warms my heart to hear of a happier “ending” although I know it is a constant battle. My current addiction seems to be food – it’s been other things in the past – but no one really takes this kind of addiction seriously, accept to note that I sure have put on some weight! But it truly is – an addiction is an addiciton. I admire your strength and resolve – keep fighting it! I will try to do the same. Michele : )

  2. Hi,
    I just came across your blog via technorati. I read this post and recalled the amount of times I’ve had this exact same conversation, blubbering in full effect, with my partner, with myself, on my blog.

    Oddly enough, I don’t drink or do drugs…at least not enough to warrant any meeting. What I usually end up coming to a realization about is the fact that I’m a sensitive. I feel. I was born feeling in a world where feelings just aren’t allowed to blossom with such fullness.

    People are encouraged to blunt their full feelings in all sorts of different ways. When you write about recovery I’m so happy for you. Congratulations.

    I know I’m mucking this up, because I don’t have a lot of experience dealing with other sensitive people who are in recovery.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t think coming into recovery caused your sensitivity. I believe you were a sensitive person who had no support to be as feeling as you were/are who tried to take refuge in addiction. I think the addiction, whatever substances you chose were a mask that offered a hiding space from self, from a highly emotional beautiful self.

    The reason I’m offering this is that although I’m not in recovery, don’t do drugs, don’t drink anything but the occasional glass of pink wine…every few months, I recognized what you wrote.

    My piece is that I often struggle with wanting to be put on psychiatric medication that would “help” me dull the feelings, dull the intuition, dull the pain of feeling so different than most of the people I encounter who seem to have much less powerful connections to their feelings.

    Everyday I resist and insist on having all of what comes. I listen to it. I refer to them as my voices, even though they aren’t voices per se. It’s just that what I feel speaks to me so clearly even when it hurts, that I feel as if I have a multitude of voices having conversation with me, giving me input, advice.

    When I listen to them things go better for me. I write and speak from a feeling place that offers me some solace, some healing. When I speak to people I care for from this place, speak to people who listen to their own feelings and intuitions I have a sense of powerful communion with like minded others, no matter how messy or difficult the connection can be.

    This is me saying thanks for posting this. It was recognized by me and much appreciated.

    darkdaughta’s last blog post..I think this will be my morning song for a while…

  3. This is what I love about you – you keep digging until you figure it out! Congrats to you, not just for figuring it out, but on being dry.

  4. To say the least I am having a similar day, I think I could use about a 3 hour massage.
    I have been contemplating a bath, a hike, a run, a noon yoga class, but I just cannot. I suppose my 2 pm dental appointment won;t solve anything either.

    It will be better tomorrow.

    Brigid’s last blog post..The Hawk’sTree.

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