Missing the son I never had a chance to know

Missing the son I never had a chance to know

Today has been a rough day for me. Today is the birthday of my stillborn son, Jacob. He would be 16 today. I can’t help but think of all the things we would have been doing today. Things like going for his driving test. Celebrating 16 years. Denying that I am old enough to have a kid who drives. Somehow during the day it just added to the intensity of missing my Mom.

Today I am letting myself grieve.

I have lost two people in my life way too soon. And it makes me sad.

Happy birthday, Jacob. I will always love you, my son.

15 thoughts on “Missing the son I never had a chance to know

  1. Hugs to you from across the pond.

    My twin boys would have been 35 this year. I lost them at 25 week and in those days there was no chance of saving them. I think about them every single Christmas day, their due date. It doesn’t hurt now, but like you I wonder what could have been. They will always be in that very special place in my heart.

  2. Hugs to you!

    I love your blog. Just found it today.

    I lost a baby at 12 days old. I feel your pain. My boy would be 4 now.

  3. I also had a child that was stillborn. She would have been 5 in January. Celebrate Jacob, Grieve him, most of all LOVE him. He chose you as his mother because you were strong enough to love him for all of this time and into eternity. I know how hard the “anniversaries” and “birthdays” are though. A big hug from Seattle.

  4. My current pregnancy (due in about a week) started as twins. I grappled mightily in the weeks after losing one, but since have allowed myself to bask in the health of the baby still growing inside of me. As my due date approaches I feel a deep mourning for the child who’s life will no be celebrated, the milestones that will not be reached. I am so sorry for your ache and wish you the relief that often comes from allowing yourself to grieve.

    amanda’s last blog post..Watch it, that’s my hot button.

  5. Jenn,
    I lost my son, Benjamin, just about 2 years ago. He was 34 weeks. He just stopped moving. Come to find out, he had gotten the cord tangled around his neck. You never forget, do you? It sucks, really. Having to go through all that labor and delivery and leave the hospital without anyone. I had such a hard time leaving him there. I was so concerned they would mistreat him. And, I bet, you can remember each and every tiny detail from the drive to the hospital to the compassionate nurses who moved you away from the babies on the floor so it wouldn’t upset you. I had a friend who had gone through something similiar who I called and she said to hold the baby as long as I needed, and I did. I remember everything about him. He looked like my husband and needed to be filled out because he was incredibly skinny. He had white hair and white eyebrows. You never forget.

  6. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve had three miscarriages in the past year, but as tendrils said… can’t even imagine how awful that must have been.

    Good for you, for honoring and recognizing your son. Our society doesn’t really make a place for grief, it’s like we’re not supposed to talk about it after so many months or years.

    Mara’s last blog post..House of the Absent-minded

  7. I so needed to read this today. I miscarried this past weekend and am still going through the living hell, but I can NOT even imagine having a stillborn!!! I am so sorry! Thank you for sharing….. *hugs*

    Tendrils’s last blog post..Miscarriage 101

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