Kicking it up and out for the PTA

Kicking it up and out for the PTA

This year I decided that I could slowly work my way back into volunteering at the school. So I dipped my toes into put my feet into submerged half of my body back into the volunteering pool. After 5 years of boycotting the PTA, I knew I could do it.

I joined the executive board at the elementary school and got involved again. I was right to give it another chance. This year was wonderful. The elementary school PTA president is amazing as is the entire board. I slowly learned it was okay to be myself with them. To actually be myself. I can speak up and not get shot down. I can ask for help and people step up. I have enjoyed working with this group of women.
I go to the school to do PTA-ish things and enjoy it.

Shocking. I know.

So, when the junior high PTA approached me about perhaps volunteering for that school, I was still in such a “I have had such a great year” high that I said, “Sure! Would love to! Sign me up!” (So cheerful I almost threw up in my own mouth.)

Then reality hit me.


When the morning of the installation meeting came, I was all prepared to tell the new president at the junior high that I could not possibly be on the executive board. Not at two schools. That I was obviously way too drunk when we talked. Or on crack. Or both. Point was, I was going to quit.

I talked to the people who know me the best and was good to go.  Or good to not so much go as the case was.

I parked my Stepford mobile and marched with my head held high ready to Just Say No!

As I walked, I felt something on the back of my leg. I rubbed to get it off. Nothing. I rubbed more frantically and realized it was on the inside of my jeans.

My first thought? Cellulite just burst out and took over my thigh like an exploding container of cottage cheese.

Thankfully, I was wrong.

I tried to work whatever was caught in my pants leg down far enough to yank it out. I assumed it was a dryer sheet.  So as I walked to the school I was doing what could only be described as my best imitation of Elaine dancing on Seinfeld.  I know I looked ridiculous and I also knew I was on camera because they have them everywhere.  If anyone in the office was watching, they were getting a good laugh.

As I entered the building, I realized I would just have to go to the faculty bathroom and snag whatever it was. But ever the optimist, I did one last spastic shimmy kick of my leg to free the object.

And then to my horror as I stood in the middle of the main foyer of the junior high during class changes, I kicked free the object.  Out flew a pair of back lace panties that must have become stuck in the leg of my jeans when they were washed.

Immediately I scooped up my free flying underwear and stuffed them into my bag looking around to see if anyone noticed.  Duh. A MOM flinging her underwear across the hall?  No way it went unnoticed.

I entered the office as the office manager tried to hold back a laugh as she signed me in.

“You saw nothing. If you did see something, it was all your imagination.  Cool?”

She just looked at me and laughed.

Needless to say it rattled me enough that not only did I not quit, I accepted the position with a smile on my face and got the hell out of there at the first opportunity.

I do believe that I have been assimilated into the Stepford way of life.

Hold me.

27 thoughts on “Kicking it up and out for the PTA

  1. Awhile back, after taking a shower, I wanted to toss my dirty clothes in the hamper. But it was downstairs, and I was upstairs. I didn’t want to leave dirty undies on the floor, so I tucked them in my pocket, grabbed the baby and headed dowstairs. Several hours later, I was in line at Starbucks and I reached into my pocket for change. You guessed it – I ended up holding out my undies for the barrista – and everyone else there – to observe. They’d been hanging out of my back pocket all day.

    Not too long afterwards, I moved to China – thank goodness, because I couldn’t show my face in that particular Starbucks again.

  2. Just had a moment like that yesterday. The strong, silent type window washer man was washing my bedroom windows. I picked up a pile of unfolded laundry, so that he could get to a window, and my g-string fell out in plain sight on the floor. Didn’t even look at him to see his expression.

  3. {{Looking around}}

    hmmfph… I could have sworn I was going to Mommy Needs Coffee. It looks like it… Pod people maybe? 😉

  4. Now, I thought we covered the whole PTA thing at lunch! Obviously you need a refresher lunch with me!

  5. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And you just facilitated panty-viewing by untold numbers of sex-obsessed boys. LACY panties no less. Was this a public service?

  6. Well, I haven’t had the laundry experience (!), but after two years on the PTA board, my life was all about “Just Say NO” this year. And then what did I do? I agreed to be co-president next year.


  7. A valuable lesson for the young girls: Moms can be PTA members at school AND sex goddesses at home!

  8. Panty Trick Association, hahaha.

    I hope your junior high pta experience will be a good one.

  9. I’ve had this happen, but never in a middle school hallway. Never with more than one or two possible witnesses. Hilarious.

  10. I did an honest to God spit take when I read the part about what was on your leg.

    Jenn, the Middle School PTA?? No wonder you’ve got a migraine. I’m just sayin’…

  11. Hahaha! Hilarious. To an outsider it could seem like it was the same trick women do to take off their bras under their clothes and through the sleeve, only taken a step further because you are always ahead of our time.

  12. Been there, done that. I was sitting at a business meeting a couple of weeks ago when something under my blouse started bothering me. I reached behind me up the back of my shirt and pulled out a pair of red lace panties right in front of four people. I covered by telling them my next trick was pulling a bra out of my shoe.

  13. A teacher I worked with in my last middle school lost her slip while explaining an assignment one day. She was pacing back and forth in front of the kids, as some of us do, and felt it sliding. She knew there was no way to hold it (elastic gave or something), so she just let it go. It pooled around her ankles and she simply stepped out of it, kicked it under her desk and kept right on teaching.

    She later said that she was sure the kids would say something, ask a question or just giggle (as 7th graders do) but not one even commented. Kids,eh?

    I taught students whose moms danced in the local strip joints and dressed as though they were always ready for a performance, so a pair of panties flying across the hallway wouldn’t have phased me a bit.

  14. Ah, you did this with class. If it happened to me, it would have been a black lacy spider, not sexy panties. Here’s hoping the PTA is a great one, or that you can make it so!

  15. Hahaha, that is awesome! At least they were sexy lace panties instead of giant white grandma panties!

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