Every year at this time I get restless. I get very reflective. I get ansty. I am moody. Basically, I am coming out of my skin. Even after all of these years, this time of year makes me crazy. Maybe close to jonesing but not quite. I crave. that is the best way to say it. I crave.
I crave something different. I crave what I knew. I crave stability. I crave change. I crave closeness. I crave alone time. I crave. I craze. I crave some more.
My mind just flies into directions that I just deal with rather than try to understand. I guess this post is an example.
I crave. Something.
I had a long talk with a friend of mine the other day about the decisions we make and learning to live with them. It really got me thinking. Most of the major decisions in my life have been made because I am taking other people and what they want or need into consideration first. Before what I truly want.
Let’s take for example getting clean and going to rehab. It wasn’t that I woke up one day and said, “Gee, I sure don’t like getting high anymore. I should get clean!” Far from it. I still loved it and felt I needed it and I really wanted it. But when I looked at my boys and saw what it was doing to them, I knew I had to change things or they could be hurt, killed or left without a mother. For them, I decided it was time to make that life changing decision. And I was absolutely right in doing so, but the catalyst for getting there was not my own desire. It was my desire to make things right for others. And then for myself. (But trust me, in less than a matter of hours that focus changes quickly and you learn how to be in rehab for yourself and yourself only.)
I have always tried to be one of those people who does not live with regrets. You cannot change the past. You cannot undo things that have been done. There are no do-overs in life.
But what if there were? What would I do?
There are friendships I would have ended much sooner and some I never would have ended at all. There are jobs I would have never taken and some where I would have done everything differently. There are some “secrets” I would never have kept and some that I would never have shared. There are things I would never have said and things I would have said much sooner.
But to what end does any of that bring me? Every decision I have made, every friend I have had or lost, every opportunity I have grasped or let pass me by have brought me where I am today. No matter how much I wonder about (and I do wonder about), taking a different path, making a different decision, choosing a different way of handling things, I cannot go back and do anything–not one thing–differently. And so I live with where I am, who I am and all of the good and bad, whole and broken, happy and sad wrapped into this person I am today. But some days…some days I let myself wonder. What if…
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same
In the end it is all about love. Having it. Keeping it. Sharing it. I have had a wonderful life of love. I have great friends in my life that make me laugh. I have children who amaze me every day. I have a husband I have been with for almost 22 years. Every decision we make brings change. If you are blessed and have a bit of luck on your side, through those changes, love remains the same.
And you can push forward.