Oh yeah! I do have a blog. I remember it now! Let me just say, March sucked. There. It is out. I hated March. March kicked my butt. In fact, March marched all over me and left bruises to prove it. And when life does that to you it can be hard to, well, write about life. We are on better terms now, life and me. I just had to take time to focus on me, my family and the chaos that my life had become. It was all about prioritizing and simplifying.
Let me tell you something about me. That whole simplifying thing is hard. I mean it really is hard for me. I had to make some very tough decisions last month. Many times I have been jolted awake at night wondering if I did the right thing. Sometimes I cry and think I made a mistake. Other nights I know I only did what I had to do for me and my family at the time. I can’t look back. Thankfully, the amazing and beautiful people involved backed me up and that helps when the doubt kicks me down.
In other words, I had to cut back on things. For me, that makes me sad. I loved everything I was doing but the toll it was taking on me and my family at a time when I was not doing well at all and when they really needed me, I had to do what I had to do. I don’t really want to go into specifics. Let’s just say standing on the edge of a cliff you have two choices: jump off or take the hand pulling you back. I took the hand pulling me back and I am getting better. It was rough for too long. Too rough to get into and too personal to talk about in detail yet.
I can say this. You see, after Mom died, I think a huge part of me died, too. Or at least, went dormant. For three years. That is too long. I knew that. At least, I know that now. And with help, I am coming back to life. How cliche` and appropriate that I am coming back to life in the Spring when the rest of nature is too. I kind of like the timing. Well, that and my sister decided it was time to stop being losers and start living our lives again. Seeing as she is my older sister, I do what she says. Most of the time. (Let’s face it. I will always look up to her and respect her. When she tells me to get it together with her, I do it. She is still the boss of me. I think she always will be.)
BUT, it was not all bad. I want to share with you something good that did happen in March.
On March 6, 2009 I celebrated a huge birthday! Not the year I was born. More like the year I found life again. On March 6th, I celebrated 9 years being clean from my addiction. NINE YEARS. That seems almost impossible. But I know it isn’t. I have not picked up my 9 year chip (and ohhhh how I want to hold that thing so badly!) but I will post it proudly here when I have it. You see, for me the further I get my my “sobriety date”, the harder it can become. At 9 days I had a full support system. I was going to meetings all the time. I had a sponsor. I had people every single day ask how I was and knew if I was telling the truth. At 9 months, the same thing but with fewer meetings. At 9 years, the meetings have dwindled. I have no sponsor. I really don’t know any addicts right now. It gets harder because I am more removed from the disaster that was my life.
Sometimes I wonder what normal people do when the proverbial poo hits that fan. I mean, what goes through a “normal” person’s mind? For me, no matter how much I know I won’t go there, my first though is “Gawd I wish I could take some pills and numb this.” I don’t go there physically, but the mind does. And we all know my mind is a scary place to be most times. I have not given in in 9 years. Not when Mom died. Not when things fell apart financially. Not when everything around me crumbled. I did not give in. For 9 years. And though I know at any time I am just as much at risk as any addict or alcoholic at any phase in their sobriety, I have made it this far and do not want to blow it. I am determined my baby girl will never, ever know a using mom.
So there is my good March news. The rest? It sucked.
But you? My beloved readers! Here you are. After so long, you are here. You have no idea what that means to me. Thank you so much! I really do mean that. Because you know what? I love to write here. I love to hear from you. And of course I love your feedback and comments. But really? Knowing you came back? Thank you. Because? My life would suck without you! (More than March did!)