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If your ears bled on Friday, I apologize on behalf of my daughter and her SQUEALS.

If your ears bled on Friday, I apologize on behalf of my daughter and her SQUEALS.

Last night, my daughter had her first sleep over with her best friend here at our home. I have been used to boys. Loud. Stinky. Rough housing boys. I have been trained to barely look up from what I am doing to bellow out a “Not so rough, boys!” or “Don’t play ball in the house!” (Yes, I do quote Carol Brady from time to time. And you?) I know that they will be loud and rough. Breakables are relocated etc. Food fully stocked, restocked and stashed because boys? They eat. A lot.
But this girl thing? Totally different.

There were movies with boys who “are so cute” and I was asked to “watch us sing and dance.” Performances. My brain could not compute this strange new world. I never had to bellow “Not so rough!” There was not a time where I came into the room and quivered in fear and shuddered over the strange and horrible aroma that permeated the room.

But there is something you moms did not warm me about. (I know. I never told you there would be a sleep over or you might have.)

The SQUEALS. (Totally deserves all caps.)

I know girls squeal. It isn’t like my daughter is growing up in a bubble. She has friends over and they squeal. But at night? When they are tired? They SQUEAL. At one point I am sure there were dogs in Kenya crying over the pitch emitted. Now I understand the constant “request” of my parents to stop squealing. (My ears will stop bleeding soon.)

However, there was another amazing thing about having a girl sleep over. I can play. They want me to actually be there with them. I am not Mooooooom! I am Mom! I loved this strange new world of a girl sleep over. I just wish we had pulled out the clips and nail polish and gone all out.

But I think I am saving that for next time.

This girl thing? So far, not so bad having a daughter. I think I am going to keep her.

Big Entry of Random Randomness (now exploiting friends of my children!)

Big Entry of Random Randomness (now exploiting friends of my children!)

Sometimes you must resort to random information rather than make quite a few separate snore-worthy entries. Instead, here is one Big Entry of Random Randomness (now exploiting friends of my children!)

~~~~~

I have been told for the past three months how well I have been handling everything with my Mom and my Dad. I have been asked how I am holding it all together. My standard reply is usually Just wait. It is when the calm comes that I lose it. The fun has yet to begin! I am rarely believed because I look so “together”. Last night I spent most of the evening making sarcastic remarks, whining or just being bitchy. When Clint mistakenly asked what was wrong, well, let’s just say I gave him an earful. A few minutes later as I was watching TV, I went to brush my hair of my shoulder when my ring snagged on my necklace and broke it.

Oh for the love of all things emotionally irrational, I lost it. Lost. It. I began to sob uncontrollably muttering how ironic it is that it was my Mom’s ring that broke my necklace and broke me down and is making me cry and ohhh how could life be so unfair as to break my necklace. It just isn’t fair that my necklace broke. Why is this happening? Why did I have to lose my necklace?? What have I done to deserve to suffer through a BROKEN NECKLACE?!

(Does anyone think perhaps I was suffering through a case of transference?  Nah!)

~~~~~

Today I decided to work on the mood a bit. I dressed up in something other than warm-ups and a ratty t-shirt. I put makeup on and curled my hair even. When my loving husband got home he was so kind as to compliment me.

Clint: You look nice today.  Make-up and everything.”

Me:  Today I decided to go by the old standby of “If you look good, you will feel good.”

Clint:  How’s that working for you?

Me*sob sob uncontrollable sobbing*

Clint: So not so well, huh.

~~~~~

With so much work to do, I knew that spending all day entertaining Gabrie was not going to be productive. I did the only rational thing of a stressed out woman: I invited her best friend over. They keep each other entertained so that I can work. In fact, I have been entertained as well. Here are just a few reasons why I absolutely love these girls together.

Gabrie: Why did your horse just kiss my horse?

Friend:  Because that’s what horses do when they get their lovin’ on.

After choking with laughter and snorting my Diet Coke out of my nose, I asked her what she meant. I finally got to the point where what she meant to say was was “when they are in love”, but it was SO MUCH funnier as “get their lovin’ on”!

~~

While driving with the girls on errands, Joe Nichols song “Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off” came on the radio. The next thing I hear is LOUD singing from the backseat.

Friend:  “Maquita makes her clothes fall offffff!”

Gabrie:  “Not maquita!  TEQUILA makes her clothes fall off.  Tequila.  Right, Mommy?”

Me:  “Absolutely, sweetie.”

I am SO not winning mother of the year this year.

And that, my friends, concludes my Big Entry of Random Randomness (now exploiting friends of my children!)

I want to have my ashes sprinkled on a Fry’s

I want to have my ashes sprinkled on a Fry’s

Clint has finally become brave enough to take me back to Fry’s.  Although I do think he was questioning the brilliance of the move when I started to giggle and clap my hands before we ever pulled into the parking lot.  I began to rapidly map out our path in the store.

“First let’s go check out the laptops and then the cameras and then… then… then we can go look at the MP3 players.  Do you think they have any good deals on hard-drives?  OHHHHHHH!  Can I get inside the washers and dryers again?  Can I?  CAN I?”

You could totally see his eyes glaze over.  As we walked into the store, I broke free of him and raced from aisle to aisle fondling, rubbing and licking the electronics.  I finally met back up with him as he was comparing earphones to buy for Brandon’s computer.

“Where have you been?”

“Oh, just rubbing my breasts on the plasma televisions.”

“Okay.  Did you find the pen you were looking for?”

“THE PENS!  I FORGOT about the pens!” As I raced to the aisle full of glorious pens! (And I only bought one.)

After being there for barely any time at all (though Clint says it was well over an hour), we had to leave.  He literally had to pry my fingers off of the shiny, clickalicious laptops to check out.

As we were leaving, he looked at me and said with complete exasperation, “WHEN did YOU become a GEEK?!”

The moral of the story:  Be careful what you wish for.  Your spouse just may go geek on you.

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Son of a beach!

Son of a beach!

Did I mention that I am currently here:

Yeah, there will probably be a bit of a lag in entries, but ohhhh how fun they will be when they show up.  Eighteen people.  One house.  We have a wedding planned a birthday party and lots of drunken hooting and screaming from the beach.

So what are you doing this week?

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A Fun Bedroom Trick

A Fun Bedroom Trick

I am going to share a little trick with you, my faithful readers.  A trick that you can use in your bedroom.  It is guaranteed to leave your mate speechless. (Although it is not just for the bedroom.  You can use this little trick anywhere you want.)

Ready?  Okay, here is what you need to do. Take an everyday drinking straw to bed with you.  Wait!  Come back.  Trust me! I do however suggest you wait until you are both snuggled deep under the covers.  You don’t want to ruin the surprise, so make sure your mate is not watching you.  (Surprises in the bedroom can be a lot of fun!)

Do you have your straw?  Good.  Now take that everyday, regular drinking straw and place the longer end of the straw under your left arm pit.  Position is everything here.  (Actually, you can use your right pit, too.  It is not pit dependent.)

Now, bend the shorter end up towards your mouth.  Got it?

Now BLOW!

See!  I guarantee your mate is looking at you and is totally speechless. 

What?!  I never said I was sharing with you a sexual trick, now did I?

[This entry brought to you by the Organization to Promote Immaturity in Marriage.  Visit us at our homepage at…. oh, wait…we don’t have a webpage because we are too immature to get our act together enough to do that.  But if we did, you better believe we would have some kick ass sound effects!]

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